* Ooh, is there a football match on? Lovely.

* And there’s the England team, looking like a gaggle of confused hair models.

* The Algerian team appear to be conscious, and therefore not the England team’s preferred opponents.

* Dear Mr Heskey, please have a blind man and their guide dog show you where the fucking goal is

* Algerians look like they’re having fun. English look like they’d rather drink a pint of sick than stay on the pitch.

* get up you nonce he only stood on your head

* Rooney appears mostly interested in passing the ball to the invisible ghosts of things he has eaten.

* "Ghost Deer and Ghost Cat play footyball with Rooney in Rooney’s head now. Ug."

* Yes, John Terry, no-one will notice if you just lay on an opposition player and try to fuck them

* Wild, hilarious fuck-ups by England team. Awesome, hilarious fouls by Algerian team. Comedy cavalcade. No actual football.

* pretty sure the soundtrack for the end of the world will be played on those bloody vulva horn things

* England team now being wheeled back to their care home. Heskey being taken straight to glue factory.

* And Fabio Capello being forced to consider the fact that perhaps he has lived too long. To the sound of vulva horns.