* Ooh, is there a football match on? Lovely.
* And there’s the England team, looking like a gaggle of confused hair models.
* The Algerian team appear to be conscious, and therefore not the England team’s preferred opponents.
* Dear Mr Heskey, please have a blind man and their guide dog show you where the fucking goal is
* Algerians look like they’re having fun. English look like they’d rather drink a pint of sick than stay on the pitch.
* get up you nonce he only stood on your head
* Rooney appears mostly interested in passing the ball to the invisible ghosts of things he has eaten.
* "Ghost Deer and Ghost Cat play footyball with Rooney in Rooney’s head now. Ug."
* Yes, John Terry, no-one will notice if you just lay on an opposition player and try to fuck them
* Wild, hilarious fuck-ups by England team. Awesome, hilarious fouls by Algerian team. Comedy cavalcade. No actual football.
* pretty sure the soundtrack for the end of the world will be played on those bloody vulva horn things
* England team now being wheeled back to their care home. Heskey being taken straight to glue factory.
* And Fabio Capello being forced to consider the fact that perhaps he has lived too long. To the sound of vulva horns.