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Twitter: A Sponge For Mental Pus

For a while, I had a capture of my twitter feed running here. It ended up doing something weird to my API calls, stopping me from running my desktop client, so I killed it. Which is probably just as well, as I talk a lot of shit on Twitter. It’s basically mental slurry, the wet lumpy bits from a day spent at the keyboard vented off into a trap so the buildup doesn’t blow some crucial valve in my head. Look at these, from the last month or so:

* "It shows us how profoundly haunted we are by what has not yet happened." – Steven Shaviro on science fiction writing.

* There. Now I can go back to spending the day talking about my genitals on Twitter like everybody else.

* Every time I look at I want to do a magazine and then have to spend 48 hrs talking myself out of it.

* So, did people have a good time at#mcmexpo? I would have been there longer, but Svet Chmakova needed to eat my brain to steal my wisdom.

* "manipulative entertainment technician" (Paul Morley, today’s Observer Music section)

* About to watch Emma Vieceli eat steak so undercooked that a vet could get it walking in an hour

* You never realise how much you’ve drunk until you walk outside. Why is that?

* I may have told one or two people to ask @Templesmithto "ride the squid" for them

* Words that never bode well: "single to Barking, please"

* I hope to one day be successful enough that I get my very own creepy sex stalker.

* In an interesting world, all porn stars would moonlight as contract killers, ramming strap-ons into the hearts of the evil.

* On the other hand, no-one needs the possibility of Ron Jeremy breaking into their place with a strap-on at midnight.

* (please be reminded of Warren’s Rule: if Warren has been awake less than 2 hrs, it is Morning, no matter what the clock says)

* augh christ this pre-noon "morning" you speak of is HORRIBLE

* Things I’ll never have time to write: 10,000 words on the relationship between Lady Gaga’s "Bad Romance" & Bo Diddley’s "Who Do You Love."

* "Ooo-ee Bo you know I understand" / "GaGa ooh la la"

* Wednesday Comics was a fun idea. But imagine a weekly regular-size comic full of 2-page chapters of original material…

* I have, in my career, been contacted by 3 paranoid schizophrenics who believed I was trying to destroy and/or kill them.

* One of them did however contact me to apologise for whatever it was he had done to deserve it.

* Middle-aged writer, English, seeks hypnotist to make him actually bloody do something today. Brain entirely absent.

* Good morning, fuckspores. Yet another horrible morning in this endless cold damp ash-covered hell we call "life." Smile.

* If anyone here is thinking about killing someone, please leave one of my books at the crime scene. I could use the press.

* May get a RAF aviator jacket if UK doesn’t warm up soon. Bonus: can reply to all queries with "chocks away" or "tally ho"

* Writing a long essay. "Magnetically-boiled brains"

* off to hunt down a pint of ale and devour its smooth body

* Ah, here’s Peter Mandelson, explaining to the BBC that he can never die before taking his escalator back to Hell

* I see the Queen has been activated. Much like the robotic tourist attraction she is.

* William Gibson says I have more twitter followers than Hugo Chavez. I believe this means he has to give me Venezuela now.

* Off to Soho. Which never sounds innocent, does it?

* Me: iTunes For Windows, would you please just open my library? iTunes For Windows: I would rather die than serve you.

* Shopping list for watching the election tomorrow night: beer, nuts, whisky, methadone, humane cow-killing bolt gun

* Listening to Mesmerised’s "DMT Symphony" and thinking about bone printers. I would enjoy printing my own bones.

* @kumimonsterack must not write drunk emails

* @kumimonsteri may possibly have just signed an email as "Prime Minister Batman"

* Tomorrow I will begin my political campaign by changing my twitter ID to PrimeMinisterBatman. Good night, bat-chums.

* Good morning, bat-voters.

* Am at the pub and all is right with the world.

* Prime Minister Batman is tired and would like to go to bed now.

* I will give a prize* to any UK voter who shows photo proof of a write-in vote for Prime Minister Batman on Thursday.

* ( * said "prize" may turn out to be, I dunno, old bits of my skin or something)

* A hard day of campaigning for Prime Minister Batman, kissing babies and passing on my hereditary gingivitis

* Prime Minister Batman is accepting that he will not be Prime Minister tomorrow. His is the batarang of sadness.

* Prime Minister Batman’s electoral batphone is not ringing. Does no-one want to cut a bat-deal to form a government?

Published in brainjuice


  1. “I see the Queen has been activated.” Yeah, good one.

  2. iTunes (and the other garbage it installs) is a fucking lap steering wheel. After years of fighting I dumped it forever (I don’t need bonjour and the iphone and ipod and ipad and quicktime also installed, but don’t get a choice in the matter if I want to use iTunes).

    I used to use Winamp, until it mysteriously broke and no amount of poking would unbreak it. I then switched to Foobar2000 (free and open sores software) and couldn’t be happier. I don’t have an iPhone though so I have no idea if you can get good plugins to make it talk to that device.

  3. Eric TF Bat Eric TF Bat

    One of your tame geek hordes needs to produce a website called, which tracks what time you wake up each day, possibly via TwitSpace or MyBlog or FacePress or some kind of implanted tracking device, then shows a countdown: “current time 3.14pm, time until morning ends: 42 minutes”. I’d bookmark that.

  4. this is what twatter is great for; a grease trap for the voices.

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