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Twitter: Sort Of A Brain Condom For Synapse Muck

For a while, I had a capture of my twitter feed running here. It ended up doing something weird to my API calls, stopping me from running my desktop client, so I killed it. Which is probably just as well, as I talk a lot of shit on Twitter. It’s basically mental slurry, the wet lumpy bits from a day spent at the keyboard vented off into a trap so the buildup doesn’t blow some crucial valve in my head. Look at these, from the last two months or so:

* Pitstop for food and a bit of the election debate: Gordon Brown looking unsettlingly Nixonian

* An orange tie, Nick Clegg? I don’t care who you are, an orange tie looks like you’re leaking neck pus

* Someone has polished David Cameron’s chin into a shining Failure Bump

* This is fucking grotesque. I’m off to get drunk. And then I’m running for Prime Minister

* Unaccountably filled with alcohol. Also, I can unaccountably still spell "unaccountably"

* @kumimonster i may possibly have just signed an email as "Prime Minister Batman"

* Tomorrow I will begin my political campaign by changing my twitter ID to PrimeMinisterBatman. Good night, bat-chums.

* Prime Minister Batman is tired and would like to go to bed now.

* In solidarity with @kellysue and her slow birth labour, I am now dilated to 8 cm.

* one little comment about being dilated to 8cm and everybody unfollows you YOU CAN’T EVEN SEE MY CERVIX YOU COWARDS

* I would like to add two new rules to the forthcoming UK election.

* 1. The winner gets to execute the losing party leaders on live TV. It’s only fair.

* 2. In the event of a hung parliament, all party leaders have to kill each other simultaneously on live TV.

* (3. I get to run Britain from an orbital death-ray station. That rule will be a slightly harder sell, I know.)

* US newspaper circulation down 8.74%. Homeless people have less to sleep under.

* Good morning, sinners. You may bring me unicorn bacon now.

* fuck you i am batman #warrenellisisbatman (no, no context for you)

* As everyone else is saying: the deep and archaic strangeness of a British sky without plane contrails dawns on you slowly.

* Contrails are back. The sign of an old friend, the sign of being able to reach over the world again.

* Redbulling with cigarettes and looking for the new temporal curve

* My brain is standing up like an electric meerkat

* Another rock star Friday night in the life of a working writer: overclocking my brain & being overpowered by a hot laptop.

* Watching the Election Debate. Like looking at three abortions crawl out of a bin and try to dance for coins.

* Misheard Nick Clegg and thought he was praising "the unsung hero of heroin"

* can you have beer as a power totem animal?

* Making culture is a shamanic conversation: we spend our days talking with dead ancestors. Good morning.

* Soon I will have 365,000 followers, and so can finally sacrifice 1000 souls a day to scabby Elder Space Gods for a year.

* I shall relate the details of the project in my forthcoming book THE TWEET OF TWITHULHU.

* Ooh champagne no I couldn’t possibly no wait come back here give me that fucking bottle

* The vodka martini: 2010s creative fuel or 1950s wifebeating fuel? We shall see.

* Oh no not more champagne oh all right then if you’re forcing me no no leave the crate here I SAID LEAVE IT

* No, seriously: Zombie Jesus reproduced by egg?

* Is Zombie Jesus gone? Is it safe to come out yet? These savage primitive cults confuse and worry me

* Of all the April Fool’s gags, the idea that Pete Doherty could play two shows in a row without nodding out is the dumbest.

* I think it’s way past time this script started doing what daddy says. (takes off belt)

* "Apply cunning" is good general advice for the day, I think. We could all use a cunning plan, after all.

* Or a cunning stunt.

* FAQ: No, I don’t have an assistant. I don’t have minions. I don’t have slaves. It is very sad, yes.


* The moral of TAKEN: Daddy knows best. Don’t make daddy kill a shitload of foreigners and then say "I told you so."

* Formspring: where essential human mystery goes to die the death of a thousand clicks.

* I do not understand why I have not been approached to run the UK Space Agency.

* Ah, yeah. Maybe they read the bit in WIRED UK about my interest in an orbital death ray. Still. Bad show.

* "Success is buried in the garden of failure." Quote by Rick Wakeman, of all people.

* These are my good deeds for the day. I shall go back to hunting possible "assistants" with rohypnol harpoons now.

* am manfully fighting the urge to unscrew people’s heads and check inside their brain-caves for bad wiring

* attotechnology: for when nanotech starts sounding all flabby and 20th-Century

* The thing about this part of London is you can’t tell who’s a dotcom worker and who’s a homeless person

* I has a pint, awaiting next meeting where I will apparently be poked with twigs. Probably a sex thing.

* ambient awareness – subcritical sociability – Dymaxion Chronofile

* Honestly, the only thing that interests me about SXSW these days is getting video or transcript of the annual Bruce Sterling rant.

* (Even though I suspect that one day soon he’s going to lose it and just yell "FUCK YOU, MOON PEOPLE" at them for an hour.)

* Child: "How do I look?" Me: "Like something Viv Westwood scribbled on a napkin 30 years ago." Child: "I hate you old man"

* dr zaius is my co-pilot

* dear producers: each time you stick that bloody wub wub sound on your shit techno and say I HAS MADED DUBSTEPS god rapes a seal

* The London Olympic stadium is starting to look like a giant radio dish pointed at space. Which would be more interesting.

* I like to think that, somewhere in the world, there is a sexual position called The Shatner.

* If Andy Warhol had had the internet, would he have interviewed himself on Formspring all day?

* I still recall my mother’s first words to me: "I haven’t killed anyone in years, but never think that I’ve forgotten how."

Published in brainjuice


  1. Akiramich Akiramich

    If you made one of your weekly t shirts with the slogan: “Prime Minister Batman is here for your nipples” I’d have to buy at least a dozen. One in every colour available.

  2. karniki karniki

    Boy… I read the whole thing thinking it was a draft for a script or a comic or something… insane story… I think I’m bleeding from my brain

  3. Thrax Thrax

    I would get to read this on your twitter feed… but you blocked me :-(

  4. Nick Donald Nick Donald

    I’m not sure whether to address this to you or your co-pilot. Always safest through an intermediary, I guess.

    Dr Zaius, could you pass this on to Prime Minister Batman when he takes a break from piloting his orbital death ray, please? [Fuck you! Just do it okay, you stupid French monkey! That’s right: French!]

    “BOILING SPACETIME” is, quite simply, one of the best uses of the English language I have ever seen. Concise, evocative and, most importantly, as a complete and coherent statement it’s layered with meaning. I read through the other twitter stuff chuckling at the obvious sleep deprivation on display. But those two words … The more I think about it the more beautiful it becomes… they look just right, in that order, side by side. Now say it out loud:


    I thought you’d peaked with “Ultraspacial Dreadnaught Vanaheim”. Turns out I was incredibly (and quite happily) wrong.

    And it’s just occurred to me: How appropriate that, in the 21st Century, such an incredible use of language should first appear on Twitter? That feels so right for so many reasons. Yet… why do I think it’s wrong? I’ve been slowly overcoming my fear, hatred, and denial of the Evolution of Language through internet. Irrational, I know – I’m 34 and Twitter/FaceBook/Tumblr not. Whitechapel is the first forum I’ve ever registered/posted on. My 62 year old mother is on facebook and I seem to be a relic of a bygone age. Language evolves. That’s what it does.

    You may not have realised, while discharging your ‘mental slurry’ exactly what a perfect phrase “BOILING SPACETIME” is. If for no-one else but me: those two, seemingly simple, words have (clearly) had a profound effect and given me a lot to think about in terms of catching up with the future.

    Thank you.

    Warren Ellis, I salute you. You magnificent bastard.

  5. Hail to the Batman

  6. So, I assume that Prime Minister Batman wouldn’t need Trident (not the chewing gum), nor ID cards- as he already knows what he needs to?

    Vote for change, vote for The Batman.

  7. LabRat001 LabRat001

    ” I like to think that, somewhere in the world, there is a sexual position called The Shatner”

    Yeah it probably uses both fists at the same time.

  8. Jurgen Pletinckx Jurgen Pletinckx

    I have, in fact, read the resulting comic. Jacen Burrow’s Prime MInister Batman design really works. Especially the kilt.

  9. Owen Owen

    You undoubtedly get told ‘this should be a t-shirt’ for half the stuff you say, but this: My brain is standing up like an electric meerkat, should be a t-shirt … with hair styled like a meerkat. Ahem.

  10. Fred Davis Fred Davis

    is it a failure bump on Cam’s face, or a Dalek bump?


  11. 256 256

    LabRat that is vile and brilliant.

  12. padraig padraig

    LabRat – I’ll offer the refinement that the Shatner sexual position involves using both fists while watching oneself in a mirror.

    Can you find a way to work in a hairpiece?

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