Ripping Yarns

May 24th, 2005 | brainjuice

It occurs to me that an awful lot of trouble in Gotham City could have been averted a long time ago if Batman had just ripped the Joker’s nipples off.

I mean, treatment doesn’t work, does it? They stick the Joker in the nuthatch, he comes out again and does the same things.

A man with the nipples ripped off him does not make the same mistakes twice.

Criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot, and need the nipples ripped off them.

I mean, who’s going to argue?

“Batman, I’ve heard disturbing reports that you ripped the Joker’s nipples off.”

“Choke on my fuck, Commissioner Gordon.”

“…okay.”

I mean, crime in Gotham City doesn’t exactly seem to be affected by a man dressed as a bat flapping around the place. But no-one disobeys a man wearing a necklace of human nipples.

“I’m Batman” isn’t cutting it in the striking-fear-into-their-hearts stakes. But “I’m Batman — and I’m here for your nipples” is an entirely different proposition.

Criminals would see the error of their ways after a man in a black leather pervert suit had their nipples off with the edge of a Batarang, you mark my words. Or a Bat-Denipplizer.

I’m off to ring DC Comics.

(Written 2002, just realised it hadn’t been moved over here yet.)

25 Responses to “Ripping Yarns”

  1. I figured most of you had seen it before, but in the interests of making this a complete
    archive, or at least a complete archive of the stuff I’d like to keep…

    – W

  2. The sad thing is I bet DC would go for it now, but only if he rips the nipples off of other heroes.

  3. This is fantabulosa!

  4. Would he rip off the nipples of girl chriminals as well?

  5. I remember this idea from way back when. Always thought it was brilliant. And you know, with the ass-raping that’s all the rage at DC now, I bet they’d really go for a nipple-ripping vigilante.

  6. In my opinion we don’t know enough about the psychological effects of nipple rippage to assess whether it would be a viable solution to Gotham’s crime epidemic.

    Would it be enough to drive an insane criminal back to a career as a failed stand-up comedian? Or would it serve as a catalyst, fuelling crimes so dark and so twisted that the only way Batman could hope to stop them would be by turning his bat-shaped nipple ripper on himself?

  7. Amfeed Movie Spider: “…and you have no nipples. You shall be my loyal assistant instead.”

    By that formula I think Bats already started with Boy Wonders one through three.

    I think de-toeing the villains would be more effective. I’d like to see that fat fuck The Penguin get away without his little piggies!

    “Batman, the Penguin has escaped from Arkham!”
    “Don’t worry, Commisoner, I took care of it when I arrested him in March.”
    “Wait…I just got the report in. No, he tripped over his own toeless feet five minutes out the door.”
    “Teach the fucker to mess with the Bat. I’m off to go emotionally scar some more young protegees, Jim. If you have any more kids, let me know. My tailor’s doing some costume resizing.”

  8. “In my opinion we don’t know enough about the psychological effects of nipple rippage to assess whether it would be a viable solution to Gotham’s crime epidemic.”

    I got 50% dumber just reading this sentence.

  9. If I might be the voice of reason here. I think Warren should repost his shark bukkake idea which which was done around the same time as his batman idea as well. Perhaps there would be a discussion on the psychological effecs of that as well.

  10. Hrm. That is one approach, I suppose. Does he just apply purple-nurples to first time offenders? And what of Ra\’s Al Ghul? Would it work on him? Does the Lazarus Pit do nipples?

  11. I was always fond of the baby snuff porn bit. Warren was right imagining Bette impailing a baby with a strapon WOULD make Beaches a better movie…

  12. The conspiracy-theory nut in me wonders if Aronofsky embraced your nipple-ripping Batman idea, and that’s why Christopher Nolan ended up directing.

  13. I remember this BadSignal. Lovely. And ouch.

  14. Waiting for someone to categorise this as dark spand– oops. Nevermind.

  15. I Warren Ellis
    Warrenellis.com » Ripping Yarns “Batman, I’ve heard disturbing reports that you ripped the Joker’s nipples off.” “Choke on my fuck,…

  16. Just a few problems in your little Nipple based suggestion to make Batman a more effective crime fighter
    1. His whole reason for fighting crime, his whole motivation is to be better than the killers of his parents. sadistically deforming villains however psychotic they are would utterly undermine this
    2. Telling Commissioner Gordon to choke on your fuck and continuing on your nipple rampage is a good way to get the Gotham Police Force to finally decide that heavily armed vigilantes are the problem not the solution. nipple rippage may be acceptable in Guantanamo Bay but probably not in Gotham City. Plus they would just call Batman a sex pervert, all his good works for charity would be overlooked.

    You may as well say, \”hey batman should kill all his opponants, that would stop them doing it again and again!\” He\’s trying to rise above the villains and work out his various psycho sexual problems through an anal attention to his own physical being, Techno-Fetishism and by worrying that he has probably already committed as many criminal acts as his enemies.
    To be honest calling batman a sexually repressed freak is on a par with saying \”ohh Sherlock Holmes and Watson living together, they must be gay\” and pointing out how tight the Boy Wonder\’s tights are.
    What we all should be looking into is the inherent class bias in the whole set up. Rich boy Wayne is immune from prosecution and the perennial good guy whereas all his villains are working class. It is clearly ruling class propaganda intending to brainwash us into accepting the current class system by simultaneously heroising the scions of mega rich families.






  17. And thus I finally understand why comments breed retard farming.

  18. And thus I finally understand why comments breed retard farming.

  19. There you go.

  20. Wingin’ It – Show #013
    What’s on this week: Update on the Name Summer & Joe debate. We finally pass along a few of the…

  21. Wingin’ It – Show #014

  22. [...] and Evo revels in having received permission from Warren Ellis to read “Ripping Yarns”. What is it with Evo and nipples? [...]

  23. [...] and for those of you wondering about Evo’s comment about The Joker’s nipples that caused Summer to almost lose it, read “Ripping Yarns”, direct from the source, and be sure to set aside your drink before doing so. [...]

  24. [...] Batman and nipples: http://www.warrenellis.com/?p=767 [...]

  25. [...] Ripping Yarns – Warren Ellis on Batman and nipple torture. That’s all I’ll say. [...]

Not Even A Secret One

Kieron Gillen - 09 Feb 10

Complete Plan B Archive

Kieron Gillen - 09 Feb 10

The whole run of Plan B magazine has been released as a single 670Mb PDF. That’s 46 issues of some of the finest music writing of the decade. And a lot of posturing pretentiousness too. It’s like two of my favourite things for the price of one. Or none, as it’s a free PDF.

If you’ve any interest in music in the 00s, or music full stop, this is a great thing to just have on file. You’ll discover a new band every time you browse it.

Hell, it’s even worth getting if you’re one of the games journalist sorts. For the first 10-20 issues or so, I was doing games stuff for it. And Quinns and Mathew Kumar too, who I bullied into contributing. Very much written for the non-gamer about games which get pretty much no coverage, we had fun trying to decode the concept of Outsider Games.

Whole thing here. Go gets!

Coilhouse is Hiring! Apply Here.

Coilhouse - 08 Feb 10

Back around the time of Issue 03, we launched the Small Business Advertising Program to create affordable ad space for indie companies in the print version of Coilhouse. By the time Issue 04 rolled around, the number of advertisers had grown significantly – by this time, we had record labels, jewelry and clothing designers, sculptors, other magazines, web hosts, toy makers and graphic designers advertising in our pages. Click here to see them all. With editorial duties taking up more and more of our time as the weeks go by, the moment has come for us to seek help with the advertising side of running the magazine. We’re looking to hire an Ad Manager for our Small Business Advertising Program, starting with Coilhouse Magazine #05… and possibly subsequent issues.

Full details after the jump!


Read the rest of Coilhouse is Hiring! Apply Here.


Post tags: Coilhouse

Untitled Post

blissblog - 08 Feb 10

Untitled Post

blissblog - 08 Feb 10

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blissblog - 08 Feb 10

State of South Carolina Secretary of State Subversive Agent Form

jwz - 08 Feb 10

Check the appropriate box. Do you or your organization directly or indirectly advocate, advise, teach or practice the duty or necessity of controlling, seizing or overthrowing the government of the United States, the state of South Carolina or any political division thereof?
[ ] YES [ ] NO

If yes, please outline the fundamental beliefs. If applicable, attach a copy of the bylaws or minutes of meetings from the last year.

"Inflection Points" Presentation

Open The Future - 08 Feb 10

For those folks who are interested, here's the Slideshare version of the presentation I gave last week at the Earthquake Engineering Research Institute annual meeting. I was asked to talk about foresight thinking, as the event theme was "The Big One of 2056: What Went Right?" a look at a fictional 7.8 quake in the SF region that was handled as well as they could imagine possible.

My goal was to offer a bit of reassurance to the audience that there is some real utility to thinking about the future, and to spell out (in a cursory way) the kinds of big picture issues they should keep in mind while looking ahead forty-six years.

By and large, it was a successful talk. The post-talk questions were engaged, with little push-back, and I'm told that the overall response from the audience was quite positive.

The talk was video recorded, and I'm told will eventually be available to the public. I'll link when that happens.

CAN GIFTING ECONOMIES SCALE?

John Robb - 08 Feb 10

A gifting economy is different from a barter or market economy in that valuable items are given away to those that need them, without any quid pro quo, exchange, or payment.  Gifting economics (lots of great papers on this topic) were/are the economic heartbeat of hunter-gatherer tribal cultures, the social organization where we spent 99% of our time as homo sapiens sapiens.  Barter was, in contrast, a mechanism for economic interactions between tribes.  

This gifting economic system wasn't based on pure altruism.  It did have an enforcement mechanism to ensure compliance with the system over the longer term.  On the positive side, there was an intangible increase in the social status (using personal or societal metrics) of a tribal member that gifted an item.  On the negative, a failure to offer hospitality or gifts to those in need was considered a mortal slight that could incite violence or expulsion from the tribe.

There were also a considerable number of drivers for gifting at the tribal level.  Here are some:

  • The survival of the tribe, as a group, was more important than the survival of any individual.  However, the loss of any individual could put the tribe at risk.
  • The generation of surplus and innovation was highly uncertain.  Sharing reduced that uncertainty to manageable levels.
  • Sharing reduced internal friction that could put the tribe at risk.

Scalability

It's pretty clear that the societal drivers of tribal gifting economics and the mechanisms of enforcement didn't survive the transition to a global social system composed of billions of members.   Simply, the connections between any two individuals (outside of immediate familial relationships) are too abstract for these drivers and enforcement mechanisms to be relevant.   As a result, market based mechanisms for economic interaction have gained dominance.

However, the ongoing shift of the global market-based economy from a trade in rival goods (tangible items that invoke zero sum economics) to digital non-rival goods (items that can be copied at no expense or diminishment, endlessly) provides a window of opportunity.  It may be possible to revive gifting economics for non-rival goods to amazing beneficial effect.   Some ideas on how this could scale:

  • Automated reputation metrics that enhance social status based on contributions.
  • Mechanisms built using MMO gaming as a way to tie successful gifting to status improvement (leveling) or an ability to attract investment.
  • The creation of an inside/outside barrier that separates a gifting economy from the global economic mainstream.   Automated mutual interdependence (see my friend Bruce Sterling's absolutely brilliant story on this:  "Maneki Neko").

Latest on SNOW

Jean Snow - 08 Feb 10

Latest on SNOW

So what’s the latest on SNOW? I guess two new developments art that I added a dedicated Twitter feed, and also created a Facebook fan page. The Twitter feed is mostly just automated with new articles from the site — because some people actually prefer that over RSS feeds these days — but I do keep an eye on it, and will reply to questions and comments. The Facebook page is just another way of putting the site out there, and should be a good way of informing members of SNOW-related events as they happen.

Regular content updates have also continued over the past week, with a few new guest columns and my regular news items. Here’s a list of what you may have missed over the past few days.