FAQs For The San Diego Comic Con

July 18th, 2009 | about warren ellis/contact, photography

Okay. Things are going to be a bit patchy here for the next seven days, due to work and travel. So no more Station Idents, I’m just going to post when I can.

FAQs for San Diego, then:

* PLANETARY #27 comes out in October, I’m told.

* FELL #10 is underway right now on this end, so don’t bug Ben. We’re on it. It’ll be a while before it’s ready.

* DESOLATION JONES remains in temporary limbo for various reasons. Wildstorm and I are working on it, is all you need to know.

* NEWUNIVERSAL remains on pause while Steve and I do an IRON MAN thing, and we’ll return to finish it once we’re done. Scheduling was the enemy — after the loss of the computer, there were only so many scripts and stories I could reconstitute simultaneously, and ASTONISHING X-MEN trumped it on the scheduling.

* Phil Jiminez just turned in his first ASTONISHING X-MEN issue. I love working with Phil.

* I arrive at San Diego a hair before midnight on Thursday and leave first thing Saturday morning. I’m there exclusive to the Marvel Anime zaibatsu, and my time is scheduled tightly all through Friday. I start at 9.30am, for god’s sake. I normally never even see 9.30am.

* My only public appearances there are:

* The Marvel Animation Panel, 4.30pm – 5.30pm. I think I don’t actually go on stage until 5.10.

* Signing at the Marvel booth, which is #2429, from 6pm to 7pm. There will probably be a limit on number of items to be signed, and if you turn up with a handtruck stacked full of comics I will have Security rape you with a Wolverine toy behind the booth.

* This is a weird one, but… a lot of people ask if they can bring me whisky. Which is incredibly kind and not at all required. If you bought a comic I wrote and liked it, then that’s really all I needed. And this time, in fact, it’s really not necessary, as I’m travelling very light and won’t be able to take it home with me. I feel weird even mentioning this.

* And, yes, I will shake hands with you. The reason I don’t shake hands at other shows is that I’m signing for six or seven hours a day, for a minimum of three days, and everyone sticks their hand out, and the lesson I learned at Heroes Con is that shaking hands with everyone who sticks their hand out means that by the end of the second day my hand is pulp. Poor old Steve Saffel shook hands with me when I was on my way out of the building after my second or third long signing and I yelped. I’m not a professional politician, I’m a writer, I already type for at least 12 hours a day, and I kind of need the hand. One hour at a signing table is a different thing. People get unusually stroppy about this. So I mention it now. And, really, if my not being able to shake hands with you at San Diego or Chicago really did ruin your week, enough for you to keep complaining about it online years later? You’re mentally ill. Seek help before you ruin the lives of your friends and families.

* Also? I am not scary. I mean, I am completely not scary. Do not approach in fear.

* These are, internet snark mongoloid reading this, NOT rules. It says FAQ at the top there.

* Also, I won’t have sex with you unless you pay me.

There. Done. Tom Spurgeon has a proper guide to surviving San Diego, a must-read.


24 Responses to “FAQs For The San Diego Comic Con”

  1. Don’t worry, Warren, 9:30 AM in San Diego is, I believe, 5:30 PM in London. You’ll probably feel like you’re right on schedule.

  2. Huh. I was thinking just the other day about Desolation Jones. Thanks for the update.

  3. how much for a back rub ?

    scary, i think people often confuse you with SPIDER…
    and he beat the transcient to pulp and fucked up two presidents.

  4. You are *not* scary?

  5. I’m actually devastated you’re there Friday – I am only there Saturday. I may need a walker before I ever get a chance to see you in person again.

    Bugger.

  6. So… how MUCH would we have to pay you for that last one?

  7. What if I just bring you a shot of whiskey? Screw bringing you a whole bottle, that’s less for me. But I’ll bring everything we’ll need.

    cheers (literally.)

  8. Not Scary, he says… as he holds arse eels in his bare hands, while cackling maniacally.
    For the sex, do you accept payments of cigarettes and Red Bull?

  9. I hope that you have a good time at the SDCC & the people there are wise enough to know that you’re not to be fucked with, also, thank you very much for all the updates regarding your various outstanding comics.

  10. Warren, you just made my day. I hate standing in line for hours with my one item just to find out the guy ahead of me has a stack ie three boxes of books to sign. It pisses me off more when I find out he is just going to ebay them.

  11. Arse eels are off. It’s giant arse squids now. Six times the pain and humiliation plus a beak.

  12. Thanks for the updates babe and don’t worry, I won’t shake your hand, I’ll just pinch your cheeks (you don’t need your cheeks to type :P )

    So how much should I be taking with me in case I get lonely or turned on by your cheeks? *evil grin #762(tm)*

  13. Do these FAQ also apply to the giant squid coming to get you?

  14. Wish I could go. But’, y’know. Stuck in a hellhole, somewhere in south america. I could ride a giant squid though. Could use some help.

  15. mongoloid?!

  16. If not whiskey, then may we bring you red bull?

  17. Not at all scary.
    Unless you BELLOW THEIR BLOODY NAME with The MIGHTY THUNDERGOD Voice.
    Srsly!

  18. I can’t go so maybe I’ll try this.

  19. You might not find you scary but you’re used to you.

    I didn’t set out to be scared of you when I went to one of your signings but when I got up to the table, I totally froze. It was like when a really little kid meets Santa but I didn’t cry, wet myself or sit in your lap.

    Y’know, maybe you should think about getting a little helper with a jingle hat to pass out candy canes at your signings. Something to take the edge off.

  20. If I had a trillion dollars I’d head over to San Diego on a private jet, just to punch you in the face, buy you a drink, and (for my own personal edification) push some nerds.
    The face punch would be entirely out of love, and even with a detached retina, I think you’d register the earnest warmth behind it. I like to get drunk and read comic books; I know no other way to express my affection Warren!
    Sincerely, Orbulas B. Harding, Violent alcoholic.

  21. Not scary? The news of your impending presence draws an army of death squid, and you’re not scary?

  22. I saw you a couple years ago in North Carolina at a convention signing, and all I could manage to blurt out was “I LOVE YOUR WORK”, and you gave me this really odd look, which at the time I took to mean “I am seriously disappointed in you, that you would waste my precious time with such an obvious comment. Unless you are about to draw a weapon on me, the only conceivable reason for you to be in this line is that you love my work.”

    In hindsight, I think you were probably just tired, over-humidified, and dreading the next thousand idiots toting stacks of unsigned ebay fodder.

  23. Thanks for the update on newuniversal’s status. I wish that the editors @ Marvel could be as candid.

  24. It is, however, important to note that Marvel editors don’t work for you.