Carnivorous Death Robots

February 3rd, 2009 | researchmaterial

Remember this moment. This could well be the beginning of our long descent into a bad science fiction novel. The kind where we all die at the awful clicking tungsten mandibles of ROBOTS DESIGNED TO EAT EVERYTHING:

A new type of autonomous robot will soon be loosed upon the land. A robot that forages, grazing on weeds and shrubbery, on rotten logs — even on dried out roadkill and other carcasses. This is DARPA’s EATR (Energetically Autonomous Tactical Robot), by RTI. It will be fueled by the Cyclone external combustion engine that can run on virtually any type of dry carbonaceous material.

That includes, of course, well-rotted human flesh.

The terms they’d like us to use include "sustainable machines" and "autonomous foraging robots." But you know what they really are. Look at them:

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These are crawling death robots who want to gnaw the meat off our bones. Kill your children now, so that they don’t have to suffer.

(Okay, I admit it, they really look like this:)


18 Responses to “Carnivorous Death Robots”

  1. I think I saw this robot on Robot Wars, Sir Killalot I think it was called :)

  2. So, scale of one to ten, how pathetically geeky is it that I immediately recognized those robot buffalo as Zoids?

  3. You’re… trying to convince us that ZOIDS could eat human flesh?

    That’s low, Ellis.

  4. I’m not so sure the goddamn robots are going to eat our flesh. I mean, c’mon, they don’t even need to subsist off anything other then petrol. I think the robots are going to help us defeat the zombies when that uprising occurs, which is any moment now.

  5. Flesh-eating robots that have all-terrain wheels and are the kid-friendly colour of old JCBs. Lovely. Just lovely.

    How come you tell us this stuff over and over again but don’t do anything about it?

    You just want to wound us emotionally, that’s what I think.

  6. So, they’re death robots with big nobby 4-wheel drive tires on them?

    THIS IS NOT EXACTLY REASSURING

  7. And so in the end, we all get eaten by the bastard sons of Wall-E and a Tonka truck?

    Judging by the back, at least they’ll have endless games of chess to devote their post-humanity time too.

  8. Okay, so the robots in the first picture initially look scarier. What you don’t realise is that the more pedestrian looking one is actually 50 feet tall and uses the pincers to pick up us puny humans and dump us in the Fleshextractotron 5000 (Mk. 2) which it carries on its back.

    We’re obviously fucked so I’m just going to hide in a corner, drink rum and await the end.

  9. Zoids would be pretty cool though.

  10. On the plus side, it probably can’t go up stairs, right? Right?

  11. [...] Warren Ellis warns us of carnivorous death robots [...]

  12. Jeez. They even named them EATRs. How transparent is that? And when did Dick Cheney take over DARPA?

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  14. See, this is why I smoke. When the Carnivorous Death Robots come for my blackened flesh it will be so saturated with nicotine and and tar that it’ll gum up their works and kill them. HAHAHA! REVENGE BITCH!

  15. [...] (Link via Warren Ellis.) [...]

  16. . . .and I thought the Daleks were bad.

  17. Tell your weakness to a predator and the result is bloody predictable.

    I think the inventors should be fed to their gizmos, and then such gizmos destroyed.

    As Perillus, their bullish spiritual Father, learned from his ancient brazen device.

    No teaching eating to a new species.

    It may get a taste for our spleen.

  18. [...] war machine sat the top of this articles aren’t what the real ones look like. Check out Warren Ellis’ site for the more mundane [...]