Another Pungee Stick In The Doom Pit Of Our Future

May 30th, 2008 | brainjuice

Monkey-controlled robots have upgraded from leg control to arm control, it seems. I don’t consider this a useful advance. Monkeys are well known, after all, for, well… non-consensual sexual activities. And I frankly refuse to end my life desperately trying to fend off a monkey-powered robot fisting. I mean, is that really the future you wanted? "Day 184. Still can’t go outside. Monkeys waiting to fist me with robot arms." No. You’re not even going to get a jetpack with which to evade the mechanical rape arms of the Simian Love Patrol.

And even if you did, the monkeys would learn how to fly them.


19 Responses to “Another Pungee Stick In The Doom Pit Of Our Future”

  1. “Simian Love Patrol” sounds like an Indie band name

  2. Seriously, Science, how hard is it NOT to mechanically enhance nature’s tiny rapists? Really?

  3. AICN boards are getting excited about the possibility of Neil Gaiman writing an episode for Dr Who, but some of the talkbackers have decided Warren would be a better choice:
    “by Darkocity May 28th, 2008
    If they got Warren Ellis to pen Dr Who then
    i reckon we would definitly get something like an angry-god, nietzsche battlestar galactica cum The Authority type Who! With the Dr injecting drugs or saltwater into his nutsack. Now that would be something.”
    http://www.aintitcool.com/talkback_display/36901#comment_2086104
    Bring it on!

  4. Monkeys will only abuse the technology given to them. They will use their mighty robotic arms to fling genetically engineered “smart poo” with horrifying power and range. Damn you Dr. Schwartz, for visiting upon us this monkey poo encrusted apocalypse.

  5. I goodled “Simian Love Patrol” and only got this post as a result, how can this NOT be a band name already? Well, I think we can look forward to someone in the near future (or many someones) saddling their garage-effort with this narratively-enhanced (thanks, Warren! Robo-mokey-fisting is a concept not nearly poured over enough in today’s modern world of literature) nomenclature. You’ll be able to spot ‘em – they’ll be wearing the Grinder goggles and sporting a Snowtown tag tat. (Me? I just have “I -heart- Spider J.” tattoed on my penis)

    -g-

  6. You seem to forget the accuracy and range they will also be able to fling their feces. So forget the jetpack they will knock you out of the sky with their bionic poop missiles.

  7. I’m surprised the concept of “eschatonic monkey robo-fisting” hasn’t already become the in-thing for fan fiction.

  8. If the monkeys got jetpacks as well, do you think there would be fisting in the sky?

  9. People. Stop dumping on the future of my dreams. Bionic monkey-poo missiles and robot fisting give me HOPE.

  10. i just hope they’ve got those monkey-cyborg prototypes under heavy, heavy armed-guard.. although it would be cool to have one in your Top-8 on MySpace

  11. Get your filthy stinkin’ paws off me, you damn dirty apes.

  12. I think that should be “Get your stinking paws out of me you damn dirty Ape!”

  13. On the plus side, still no breakthroughs in monkey-controlled robot tentacles.

    Yet.

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  15. Gary Numan would be proud:

    “Come to Zom-Zom’s a place to eat
    Like it was built in one day
    You can watch the humans trying to run.
    Oh look there’s a rape machine
    I’d go outside if he’d look the other way
    You wouldn’t believe the things they do.”

    I’m guessing that Numan’s vision in “Down in the Park” may not have been mechnical monkeys but that fits.

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  19. I found your site on technorati and read a few of your other posts. Keep up the good work. I just added your RSS feed to my Google News Reader. Looking forward to reading more from you down the road!