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SPIDER-MAN 3

“Hey, you work in comics. Have you seen SPIDER-MAN 3 yet?”

“Hell, I haven’t seen SPIDER-MAN 2 yet.”

“But… you work in comics.”

“You work in a supermarket. Have you tasted that new brand of dogfood I saw advertised on the tv the other day? No? Then fuck off.”

Published in brainjuice

34 Comments

  1. paul blume paul blume

    Oddle enough, the same mentality applies to librarians.
    “Hey, you work in a library, have you read _______, yet?”
    Only we don’t get to swear at them.
    Much.

  2. but you’d love Spidey 3. There’s lots of crying. I know you love the crying.

  3. Sucks balls anyway

  4. Next you’re going to tell us you haven’t read this month’s Archie.

  5. Perfect! Thank you for the belly laugh!

  6. I accidentally saw part of Spiderman one on the tv the other day. It held my interest for nigh on five seconds. Then I went back to the channel of crazy japanese cartoons.

    If only we could find a spray on repellant for idiots.

  7. You lucky motherfucker … I’m still trying to dig the memories of that piece of crap film out of my brain … the spoon isn’t working, damn it!

  8. Alex R Alex R

    Hey, that new dog food is REALLY good. It has gravy. Now have you seen Spidey?

  9. I did see it. Not sure why I felt like I had to, but I did anyway.

    It was, actually, moderately entertaining. HOWEVER, afterwards, I immediately rechristened it “Spiderman 3: The Weepening” because, yes, it had a LOT OF FUCKING CRYING. In fact, Spiderman and Sandman CRY TOGETHER. Seriously. I shit you not. I was waiting for the hip-hop style man-hug. “Love ya, bro.”

  10. optical optical

    Spiderman and Sandman CRY TOGETHER. Seriously. I shit you not.

    That makes it so clear it: this pal of mine that keeps pestering me to go with him watch this crap, he must be gay. And was planning to smooch me there in the dark while Spidey was shooting his man-goo all over the screen. Crafty bastid.

  11. I can’t believe you haven’t seen this- it has the most incredible “good guy taken over by evil licorice and demanding milk” scene ever recorded in the history of cinema.

  12. E0157H7 E0157H7

    Another good one:
    “Hey, you like comics, have you seen Spiderman Three yet? It’s awesome! He goes all emo and stuff.”
    “How about I kick your eyes out and skull-fuck you?”

  13. I saw it on Saturday, I loved how they showed that Peter Parker had become ‘Evil’ by giving him a fringe over one eye.

    Oh, and he dances. An evil dance.

  14. Paul Paul

    Don’t forget the eyeliner and the jazz club. All good superheroes struggling with their id must, by law, attend a jazz club.
    Because jazz is the music of the devil.
    Obviously.

  15. Andrew Andrew

    It had emo Spidey…beating Mary Jane. While the movie sucks in regards to plot, or logic, or writing, it is easily the greatest movie ever in regards to pimpwalks, and excessive Spidercrotch thrusts, and lots of crying, and feeling like a goddamn fanfic in general.

  16. midwinter midwinter

    I took my son. He’s seven – and even he though the film was dumb. I don’t think you could come up with a WORSE way to make a spidey movie. Even the 70s tv series was more fun than this. I heard Raimi on the radio saying he wanted to make a romance movie next. He’s just lost it!

  17. Buddy Buddy

    This was Ultraviolence Mila Jovovich bad. I think spider-man is in it for a total of what 12 minutes. The rest is crying and relationship stuff. I remember a lot of crying. Oh and dancing, there was dancing in it.

  18. Martin Goldzieher Martin Goldzieher

    And why why why did Kirsten Dunst have to lip synch unconvincingly to not one but two songs? And they should have got someone to sing them whose voice actually sounded like ti should have been hers. And the actor playing Venom was about as sinister as Ashton Kutcher. And what the hell happened in the last half hour? The whole thing was just disappointing

  19. “…I… *sob*… I forgive you…!”

  20. Matt Matt

    Wow…this is not encouraging me to see the movie. I enjoyed the first two, especially the second one (mainly because I kept picturing Doctor Octopus saying “Throw me the idol, and I’ll throw you the whip.”), but I’m not sure I want to face the spectacle of emo Parker, and of course all the fucking crying.

  21. Ultraviolence was worse.

  22. Alan Alan

    To brazenly continue the dissection of Spide 3 — It wasn’t amazing but it was a far cry from godawful or, even worse, Ultraviolet-bad. *shudder* Don’t believe the dissidents. They will be dealt with in the next uprising.

    So, umm.. did you see SPIDER-MAN 1 at least?

  23. The dog food is delicious, all those vitamins and Chinese toxins make it yummo!

  24. Alexa Dickman Alexa Dickman

    Are we forgetting that Brock begged JESUS to kill Peter Parker?

  25. At least none of you had to put up with this shit!

    Photo Album: NYC Posters
    — scroll down.

    Am I the *only* person one earth who thinks the CGI in 1&2 look like fucking videogames footage?!!? Frankly, what I’ve heard of 3 — here and elsewhere — just scares me…

  26. >> Are we forgetting that Brock begged JESUS to kill Peter Parker?

    Yes! That was a high point. Now THAT’S a serious supervillain team up.

    “Jesus, I hate Spiderman and want him dead.”
    “Well, normally I don’t approve of killing, but seeing as how I did come all the way down from the Heavenly Host to answer your prayer, I guess we should get ‘er done.”
    “Muah ha ha! Yay!”

  27. zerone! zerone!

    Spiderman 3 can be summed up in three words:
    1. Guyliner
    2. Sobbing
    3. Emo Hair
    Just like any AFI show. Only with less black.

  28. PKE PKE

    I enjoyed it.
    I really enjoyed Spidy 2.

  29. Greg Greg

    Frankly, that dog food is overhyped.

  30. we’ll make a deal… you give me back the two hours I wasted on this trite, and I’ll spend them eating the dog food….

  31. Daniel Burk Daniel Burk

    “Hey, you like comics, have you seen Spiderman Three yet? It’s awesome! He goes all emo and stuff.”

    Funny, that’s exactly how my friends described Spider-Man 2 to me.

  32. I used to work in a bookstore.

    “Have you read this book by Nora Roberts?”
    “Umm…no.”
    “What do you mean, you work here. Don’t you read all these books?”
    “Yes, I read ALL the books we get in. Every last one.”
    “Really?”
    “No.”
    “So you don’t read Nora Roberts?”
    “No. And I don’t eat shit on a stick either. I haven’t tried it but I’m pretty sure it’s about as good as any of the drivel she’s come up with.”

    And….SCENE!

  33. Alex R Alex R

    all you guys need to stop whining. At least it wasn’t Ghost Rider….

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