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My Annual St Patrick’s Day Message

The next person to wish me a happy St Pat’s Day will have their ISP anonymously informed that they download pictures of dogs fucking babies. I’ve slept with Irish girls and gotten drunk in Belfast, which makes me more Irish than 99% of you — and, whoops, here’s the clue train pulling up to the station, and it says I’m not Irish and neither are 99% of you so you can stick St Pat’s Day up your arse.

If you want to celebrate St Pat’s today, eat a raw potato, build a house out of peat and get yourself shot by an Englishman.

And guess what? If you were born in America, you’re not Irish, you’re fucking American. Deal with it.

(Though I still advise American tourists in Europe to tell people they’re Canadian at all times.)

This was your Daily Truth. Please return to your duties. Thank you.

Published in brainjuice

34 Comments

  1. CannedLizard CannedLizard

    I’d rather those American tourists not tarnish the image of Canadians, thank you very much.

  2. Myk Myk

    Bwaha! Top drawer!

  3. You mean the inherently fucked Parliamentry system that doesn’t even try to look like it has a balance of powers in theory?(I know america’s balance is fucked, but the theory still is drawn out).

    -SH.

  4. Zero Zero

    He’s like the Grinch of St. Patrick’s Day.

  5. ganthet ganthet

    Isn’t this Holiday just another reason people use to get really drunk. I mean why don’t they call it “Drink large amounts of alchol day” I think that would fit more. I would like to try that but the likelyhood of me going to Europe soon is slim so. what wrong with Canadians anyway.

  6. paul blume paul blume

    Writing as a terminally disaffected German Jew — where’s our parade?…I mean, apart from the trains to Auswitz — without a platelet of Irish blood in my veins, I salute you and you Daily Truth, sir.
    …and now, back to the Guinness.

  7. Sorry, american here, don’t hold it against me… My Grandparents came from Ireland – and St Patty’s day was no more of a drinking holiday than any wake growing up.
    In Boston we refer to it as “Amateur Night” and avoid going out due to a lack of desire to watch 18-20 w/ fakes ID’s puke up green beer.
    Now Ground Hog Day – thats a holiday!

  8. Eli Eli

    Really, you should just give it up.

    I’ve been telling people whom I know this little tidbit for years and gotten nothing for my troubles but either blank stares or angry boasts of how few generations it was since their ancestors “came over”, as it were. The smart ones already know, and the dumb ones never will.

  9. Yeah, I’ll second Cannedlizard here, people saying ‘sure you are’ and spitting in my latte when I say I’m a Canadian is not helpful….

    Having travelled I’d agree that quite a lot of people with maple leafs sewn onto their back-packs are suspiciously unable to hold their liqour for supposedly real fellow Canadians…

  10. wow.. how quickly a year has passed.. thank we got mister ben templesmith to set us straight on leprechauns.. [http://images18.fotki.com/v348/photos/1/178468/3988744/wgc02a-vi.jpg]
    even some people here in friggin Holland are celebrating it (damn that Irish Pub franchise)

  11. I hate stupid (read: all) holidays. Each time one comes around, I try to explain to people the meaning of the holiday, and why it’s so absurd to celebrate it as we do. I have the unfortunate honor of working as a cook at Beef O’Brady’s, a chain of Irish-themed “family sports pubs” here in America, so St. Patrick’s Day is especially obnoxious to me. Reading this has been the highlight of my day.

  12. Happy St. Patrick’s Day…

    Warren Ellis says:
    … here’s the clue train pulling up to the station, and it says I’m not Irish and neither are 99% of you so you can stick St Pat’s Day up your arse.
    If you want to celebrate St Pat’s today, eat a raw potato, build a hous…

  13. matt matt

    I love you

  14. Wait, that’s today?

    Hahahahaha.

    Frankly I’ve never had much need to celebrate a guy who reportedly chased the snakes out of a small island nation.

  15. Rick Rick

    Damn right. I’m Irish. Properly – lived there for 18 years after birth and EVERYTHING.

    I met an American tourist in Edinburgh a wee while ago who claimed to be Irish. Turns out his great, great grandmother was Scottish, and that’s ALMOST Irish.

    I pointed out that by his logic I was fucking African.

  16. Not getting enough fiber, are we?

  17. Bryan Bryan

    If only Notre Dame could have gotten knocked out of the tournament today instead of yesterday.

  18. Id also like to dispel the myth that coloring beer green makes it more Irish, all it makes it is disgusting. If you were drinking an actual Irish beer, no ammount of food coloring would be able to tint it. You are still drinking Miller lite, dont lie to yourself.

  19. Paul Paul

    I’m Irish, and you’ll take my Happy St Patrick’s Day, mister. If only because we put Pakistan out of the cricket world cup (even if those Frogs did deny us the Six Nations). More mojitos, Igor!

  20. Ignore him, as he is a fool from Waterford. Whereas I am from Northern Ireland and therefore my St. Patrick’s Day wishes come with an extra helping of spite. And alcohol, which helps to dilute the spite to palatable levels.

  21. I recently did a tour of America. There were a couple of Dubliners in the group who had already been in America for a couple of months. Their much used line was “Next person to tell me that they’re fuckin’ Irish gets a beer glass lodged in their throat”. I know I have distant ancestors from Ireland who were shipped over here to Australia way back when but I don’t claim to be Irish any more than I claim to be Hungarian or Romanian because my Grandparents are.

  22. My sister worked in a restaurant with an irishman. On his first St Patty’s day in the states, he saw someone walk by with a tray full of green beer. He stared at it, confused, and asked what the hell was wrong with the beer. My sister laughed and said “It’s an Irish thing, you wouldn’t understand.”. Ah, the family sarcasm.

    The moral of the story? Green beer is about as Irish as a kimono.

    Kat

  23. […] Mar 18, 2007 in Musings “The next person to wish me a happy St Pat’s Day will have their ISP anonymously informed that they download pictures of dogs fucking babies. I’ve slept with Irish girls and gotten drunk in Belfast, which makes me more Irish than 99% of you — and, whoops, here’s the clue train pulling up to the station, and it says I’m not Irish and neither are 99% of you so you can stick St Pat’s Day up your arse.” (via Warren Ellis) […]

  24. Braak Braak

    I think they should just replace St. Patrick’s Day with St. Gambrinus’ Day. That way, we’d all have an excuse (heh, like we need one…) to drink ourselves fucking silly, and it’s for a saint that we can all enjoy without trying to lay claim to other peoples’ nationalities.

    Let’s pull down all the borders, clasp hands, and celebrate the patron saint of booze together!

  25. Simon Jones Simon Jones

    Hey. My grandparents voted DLP. That makes me so damn irish I shit shamrocks.

    Also, St Patrick. Only saint to win over the populous partially by challenging druids to magic duels. MAGIC DUELS. With Druids.

  26. Michael Michael

    heritage is my burden,
    pride my sin,
    drinking my tradition
    to forget the shit
    birth put me in

    donate pets for st. pat

  27. zerone zerone

    What’s the difference between St. Patrick’s Day and Martin Luther King Day?
    Everyone wants to be Irish on St. Patrick’s day.

  28. joshula joshula

    When I get over to Europe, I’m gonna tell them I’m American. Well, because that’s what I am – whether I like it or not – and I’ll take my lumps for it. And because I hate the fucking Canadians.

    Am I allowed to quote ‘Boondock Saints’ here? No? Okay.

  29. That goes double for Cinco de Mayo. The next person I catch stumbling out of an Applebee’s with a sombrero on their head and cheap “strawberry margarita” on their breath will be fucking kicked to death.

    If you want a drinking holiday, make it December 5th.

  30. Spidercam Spidercam

    St. Patrick was Welsh!!!
    Enough Said.

  31. Also. It’s fucking St Paddy’s. Not St. Patty’s. Stop destroying my name.

  32. Brankind Brankind

    Happy Saint Patrick’s day

  33. […] deserved shot at the inane celebrations of St Patrick’s Day by people who are not Irish. His Annual St Patrick’s Day Message is well worth a […]

  34. bob bob

    I hate to piss on this wonderful rant, but St. Patrick’s day is actually American, not Irish. Before the Americans turned it into a celebration in the 18th century, the Irish only acknowledged the day by going to church; they didn’t celebrate it. After they saw what fun the Americans were having boozing it up, they imported the tradition. So to all those on the wrong side of the pond, may I belatedly wish that you keep your hands off our holiday, you bastards.

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