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The Nature Of The Next World War

You understand that it’s me versus Tom Cruise for the soul of the world, right?

Pick a side.

Published in brainjuice


  1. Yes, but what space god do you have backing you up?

  2. CannedLizard


    He IS a space god, heathen!

  3. Just so you understand, when there’s a sudden proliferation of those silly Civil War banners proclaiming “I’m with Ellis”, that it’s ALL YOUR FAULT.

  4. Jeff


    I choo-choo-choose You!

    Besides, his hair & teeth are prob’ly fake. I’m just sayin’.

  5. Chris


    Usually, the mental images I get from this site are not happy ones, but the idea of Warren Ellis using his cane to beat Tom Cruise like a red-headed stepchild really made me smile.

  6. Please save us from Tom!

  7. i dunno. does this mean tom can turn water into wine? i’m a sucker for free booze.

  8. OK. That settles it – its time to make this cult official. I mean I was all in at the suggestion of buing an island in SL and building a vurtual cult, but the threat of Tom Cruise’s Second Coming has truly put the fear of god back in me. Better the devil I know… Warren I expect a brief outline of scriptures, a list of do’s and don’ts, and some kind of spritual revelation that we each can embrace as an acceptance of faith. A minor mirracle-water into wine- thing couldn’t hurt either. Though I’m a more of a stout or bitters drinker myself.

  9. There should be a “Whack Cruise with a Cane” flash game.

  10. Dop


    If Cruise is Christ, then does that make John Travolta the John the Baptist of Scientology?
    Katie Holmes must be Mary Magdalene then.

  11. Scary teeth vs. the Chair Leg of Truth?

    No contest. Warren Ellis is our hero!

  12. hangedwoman


    Someone needs to sit down and watch RTD’s The Second Coming.

    If that doesn’t work, I’m totally ready to be a slut in Warren’s Holy Army.

  13. Matt


    I’m sure that there are many creative ways to deal with Tom’s unnatural capacity for bounding on furniture and shooting lightning out of his hands.

    We’re going to be the weirdest army ever.

  14. York


    Watch your balls. He goes for the balls.

  15. Johnny Anarchy

    Johnny Anarchy

    You can be my wingman anytime, Judas.

  16. Richard Kelly

    Richard Kelly

    So it;s the Love Swarmi vs the Short Bloke!?

  17. This means that some day, some where, some crazy bitch is going to proclaim herself an “Ellis-Warrior” on the TV, doesn’t it?

  18. lamer



  19. kim


    Now Tom Cruise must die…

    for our sins.

  20. Father Johann von Potamus

    Father Johann von Potamus

    We put our faith in Komrade Fantastika!

  21. SAP


    When we evetually begin our Crusade against the heathen Scientologists, do we get cool weapons like Cuddly Death Koalas? If so, count me in for Intraweb Jesus.

  22. we have all realised that the source for this nonsence is The Sun newspaper.

    but screw it any excuse to beat up scientolgofreaks, pass me my wupping stick and the Hammer Of Supreme Justice!

  23. You realize of course, that should a bowel disruptor actually be used on Tom Cruise, the resulting flood will drown most of mankind, except Warren, who having dealt with Hollywood, will be kept alive by swift use of his cane, and a mass of empty redbull cans and cigarette butts. But if it has to happen, let fly, and let Xemu be damned.

  24. Well… If I have to believe in any cult, and I have to believe in a cult created by a science fiction writer then I’ll side with you. Hubbard’s work is just god awful.

    Death to Tom Cruise. All hail Comrade Fantastika.

  25. Mmmm… pick a side. Who to pick?

    The creator of brilliant comics like Transmetropolitan and Planetary…

    Or a grinning doofus who believes that there’s an alien called LORD XENU?

    Do I need to actually say whose side I’m on?

  26. Since Warren Ellis is the One True Internet Jesus and Tom Cruise is just an obnoxious UFO-Cult kook no better than myself, I’m on the side of Love Swami Net Jesus Warren.

    I hear Cruise can launch mutant clone-babies from his pores. I also hear that Warren breathes fire, raises the dead, and has a miniature black hole in a spent Red Bull can.

  27. Jonathan V

    Jonathan V

    Well, Warren, if you do found a cult, I think your holy title should be “GOD-EMPEROR FANTASTIKA.” We would make replicas of your holy cane to beat people with. The lesser of us would just use chair-legs, since good beating-canes are hard to find.

  28. MrPerson


    Tom Cruise eats placentas. Warren Ellis eats babies. Warren Ellis wins the planet.

  29. preachanstoirm


    Marshall the forces of the Holy slut army and let lease the Death-Stoats of war!

    I think that when it comes down to a duel to the death Ellis can beat Cruise to death with the weight of his many titles alone.

  30. matt


    As if you have to ask

  31. Rick


    OK, you’ve got your army. Time to lay down some scripture. Who exactly are the heretics and how exactly are we to massacre them? Command us, Komrade Fantastika! Kill for Fantastika! Die for Fantastika!

  32. I’m with Warren.
    I’ve got a bucket full of nails, who’s bringing the lumber and a spear?

  33. Well, when faced with those kinds if outcomes,I’ll go with the primate less likely to show their TEETH… And less likely to exalt, well, an SF HACK as guru.

    But really; how have we come to this? CRUISE V. ELLIS? Does this conversation NEED TO HAPPEN AT ALL?

    Nevermind, continue on with your regularly scheduled day…

  34. Pam


    You guys are rude and bigoted.

  35. Warren Ellis

    Warren Ellis

    And you have no sense of humour.

  36. Pam


    absolutely true. But you don’t have to be bigoted and rude.

  37. Jack of Spades

    Jack of Spades

    If those are my choices…

    CIVIL WAR: I’m with Superman.

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