There’s a woman in town who has a powered wheelchair. She has a banner mounted on it reading VERBAL POET FOR HIRE. The idea is that you give her a couple of quid and she reads you a poem. I saw someone pay her for a poem once. She sat up straight in her chair, cleared her throat, and then yelled:
You fucking wanker.”
And then powered off to the supermarket to buy a couple of cans of beer.