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You’ll Have To Pry Pluto Out Of My Cold Dead Education

I will fight anyone who tells me that Pluto is not a planet.

Published in brainjuice


  1. elodie elodie

    I’m with you.

  2. Casey Casey

    Pluto is not a planet.

  3. t3knomanser t3knomanser

    If by “planet” you mean “dirty snowball”, then I’m with you. I know I’ll die in a fight against you, and probably painfully, but Pluto isn’t a planet.

  4. Tom Tom

    If you put Pluto the same distance away from the Sun as Earth; it would form a tail.

  5. Curtis Curtis

    Yes it is. Under the new-ish classification it’s a pluton, which is a type of planet (And a type of rock formation, but let’s ignore that) right?

    Pluto -> pluton -> planet

  6. I’m with you. Pluto must be saved!

  7. Jonathan V Jonathan V

    Pluto is a planet, along with three other “things” that are now planets. Such as Charon, Xena (With it’s moon Gabrielle), and some other ball of rock/ice. Because we have decided that’s the most important thing: that it’s a ball.

  8. Michael Suzio Michael Suzio

    Poor Pluto. Demoted.

    I’m just picturing Pluto being led into a meeting with the IAU…

    “Pluto. We’ve made a decision. We’re just not satisfied with your performance. Your orbit… look, we told you we only do elliptical orbits around here, you’ve stuck to this oblong sort of wandering, and that just won’t do. We’ve decided to place you into the Dwarf Planets division; we just want you to be in an environment where you can really excel. It’s best for everyone, old man.”

  9. Björn Björn

    I am completely behind you on this!

  10. Damn right, those sky-science nerds…

  11. Myles Myles

    I’ve been saying this for weeks. I want to be at the conference where this debate was taking place handing out bottles of scotch to all the sexually repressed scientists and watch the fun begin.

    One of my favorite quotations was from Dr. Brian Marden: “Life would be so much easier if we just had eight planets”

    The revlolution for Pluto begins now. We cannot afford apathy.

  12. Tommie Tommie

    Eventually, Pluto will exact its terrible revenge…in the ultimate celestial snowball fight. It will be the proverbial chunk of ice concealed in dirty snowto the face that humanity has had coming to it for a long, long time.

    Thanks, nerds. Thanks a lot.

    Though I am relieved that “Xena” hasn’t made the cut either, it would seem…

  13. Jack Vorpal Jack Vorpal

    Pluto is a cartoon dog.

  14. &e &e

    Life would be so much easier if we just had…
    …fewer scientists.
    …more scotch.
    …four hands.
    …eight planets.
    It’s the game everyone can play!

    Pluto is my favourite planet, hanging on out there in the dark, closest to the rest of the universe, naked and cold.

  15. Yeah, just because you were taught as a kid that Pluto is a planet is reason enough for it to be classified as one. Never mind that it bears little resemblance to any of the other objects that we call planets, and that including it as a planet means we have to include any number of known and yet to be discovered iceballs floating in all kinds of irregular orbits.

    Or do you think Pluto should be grandfathered in? You know, it doesn’t fit the classification of a planet, but we’ll call it one just because that’s what it’s always been called, and we’ll leave out all the other objects that are actually bigger than it, and thus more deserving of the title.

    To put the issue simply, there is no good scenario under which we can keep the previously accepted nine planets. It’s either 8 or 12+. The biggest problem with the 12+ scenario is that we have no idea how many more of these ice balls we are going to find. Evidence suggests that there could be dozens out there that are bigger than Pluto. Naming a dozen iceballs as individual planets would be a complete joke – it is so much better to give them a seperate classification. There is simply no compelling argument to keep Pluto’s status as a planet. The only arguments being put forward are those of tradition and sentimentality – neither of which have any place in science.

  16. Ely Ely

    Good luck with your children’s awkward new mnemonic devices, IAU.

  17. When I have colonised Pluto and covered its surface with cities of awesome technological wonderment, people will call it a freaking planet.

  18. Yak Boy is the nerd who stole Pluto from us. Kill him.

  19. Just off the AP wire, Pluto’s concession speech…


    Just before coming down to speak with you, I called Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Saturn, Jupiter, Neptune and Uranus and congratulated them on their success today. As I see it, in this campaign, we’ve just finished the first half and the Classical Planet team is ahead, but in the second half, our team — Team Pluto — is going to surge forward to victory.

    I am, of course, disappointed by the results, but I am not discouraged. I am not disappointed because I lost my planetary status, but because the old politics of scholarship and intellectual integrity won today.

    I expect my opponents will continue to do in the future what they have done today: Belittle me instead of coming up with ideas to avoid having to rewrite science textbooks.

    I will continue to offer the astronomers a different path forward to make my Solar system and orbit a better place to live and work, and that’s what I want to do for another six million more years.

    I know a lot of people in this system, and not just “classical planets”, are angry about the direction in which the Solar system is moving, and so am I.

    Tomorrow morning, our campaign will file the necessary petition with the International Astronomical Union so that we can continue this campaign for a new astronomy of unity and purpose. I will always do what is right for my orbit and Solar system regardless of what the political consequences may be.

    Tomorrow is a brand new day. Tomorrow we launch a new campaign — Team Pluto — Asteroids, non-conforming celestial objects and planets.

    Thank you, and may the Sun bless and warm you all.

  20. Pluto as Lieberman. I don’t know if I want to applaud or stab you.

  21. Matt Matt

    Yeah, I’m going to have to go with Phil Plait’s take on the whole thing: that it’s pretty much a crap discussion either way.

  22. It’s okay. Make me explain to my son that Pluto isn’t a planet anymore. Assert on national radio that most people’s attachment to the planet Pluto is because of Disney’s yellow dog. (Personally, I think of this guy.) Shit on Pluto. It’s okay. Because when the sky is filled with the gleaming death ships of the denizens of the cold, hard surface of Pluto, you’ll know the fuckin’ score, buddy – oh, yeah. When Prague is a smoking crater and the Earth becomes a blank slate upon which the Plutonians burn their vicious & brutal condemnation of our hubris, “Who’s a Planet, now, bitch?” in letters high enough to be read from Mercury, you’ll see that you shouldn’t have stepped out of line. When your back’s against what’s left of the wall and the leaders of Earth are running through their respective cities naked with hair aflame, asses still banging probes upon the now-liquid asphalt, the Plutonians will have made their point, on black anodized pikes adorned with the narrow-minded heads of astronomers who think that they own the universe. Oh, yeah. And no Killraven to save you, no viruses, no last minute monkey’s paw bullshit. Don’t think there are Plutonians, you sniveling, arrogant fuckhead? Wait until you’re boiled down into a protein-rich victory shake, consumed and shat out through the bowels of a Plutonian buccaneer invader, kicked back eating cow lips and watching “Contact” over and over again. Then, with what’s left of your useless turd of a mind, you’ll see.

    Oh, you’ll see. And you better hope the Plutonians get to you before I do.

  23. Lise Breakey Lise Breakey

    “Much-maligned Pluto doesn’t make the grade under the new rules for a planet: ‘a celestial body that is in orbit around the sun, has sufficient mass for its self-gravity to overcome rigid body forces so that it assumes a … nearly round shape, and has cleared the neighborhood around its orbit.’

    “Pluto is automatically disqualified because its oblong orbit overlaps with Neptune’s.”

    How do we know that it isn’t NEPTUNE’s orbit that overlaps with Pluto’s? Why should Neptune be called a planet? Obviously, it hasn’t cleared Pluto out of it’s orbit.

  24. All right! A fight between Warren Ellis and Scott Westerfeld! Who will win? Warren fights dirtier, but Scott has already survived having his brains devoured by Cthulhu!

  25. GryphonInc GryphonInc

    [old geaser voiceover] “Back in my day there were nine planets! One of which was named for a $%^& dog in Disney that was the only animal too stupid to be able to talk, but we liked it that way!!! Always after those @#$%^ little chipmunks named after a male stripper group that ran everywhere ruining Christmas and the sailboat regatta (the chipmunks not the strippers)!! Just once I wanted that dog to catch one of them and rip him to shreds, because that would be funny!!! …Wait…where was I going with this?”

  26. MrPerson MrPerson

    Ooh, hey, you can pull a Uwe Boll.

  27. RicFule RicFule

    Pluto is a planet. Now and forever. No matter what those biased astronomers say. Since they didn’t allow everyone the option to vote.

  28. SAP SAP

    What Warren said.

  29. Eric W. Eric W.

    I agree with the decision. It’s a KBO, not a planet.

  30. Joe Fabitz Joe Fabitz

    /You’re/ a KBO.

  31. Simon Simon

    Of course Yuggoth is a planet. It’s where the Mi-Go live.

  32. James K James K

    Screw the Pluto haters.

    Plutons 4 lyfe

  33. MrP MrP

    “How do we know that it isn’t NEPTUNE’s orbit that overlaps with Pluto’s? Why should Neptune be called a planet? Obviously, it hasn’t cleared Pluto out of it’s orbit.”

    Well, if Pluto and Neptune crashed, who do you think would win? Huh? Huh? Neptune could kick Pluto’s ass any day, baby. It just hasn’t bothered to do it yet, ’cause Pluto’s too big a wuss! Uh huh.

  34. BCNBastard BCNBastard

    You can try to make a script for a comicbook (and call it “dwarf planet”) with all the Pluto issue. It’d sell.

  35. It doesn’t actually change the universe; just the way we think about it.

    On the other hand, the way we think about it is the universe.

    I guess I need to think about this some more.

  36. […] Look, I’ve been loathe to touch this whole Pluto thing, because honestly it isn’t very interesting. For those of you who don’t know, some very large objects have been found in our solar system that call Pluto’s planetary status into question. It has been reclassified along with some of these objects as a “small planet.” There’s not much else to say, as we knew about the other objects for a while and this doesn’t really change anything as far as our scientific understanding of things. Warren Ellis has my favorite comment on this.  […]

  37. LO2 LO2

    I will happily join you in the bitch-slap fest that will undoubetly occur at many bars in the coming weeks.

  38. LO2 LO2

    Undoubtedly. Oops.

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