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John McCain On THE DAILY SHOW The Other Night

This mumbling, short-armed, wattle-necked, swollen-faced, beady-eyed charisma-free thing in an orange tie is the great and terrible Republican threat in ’08?

I’m starting to think that my Democratic friends in the US would be terrified if the GOP ran DONALD FUCKING DUCK in ’08.

Mind you, if I still thought Barack “Look! I can fuck myself in the ass for the Lord! Please love me, Christian Whitey!” Obama was going to be a lick of fucking use in two years, maybe I’d be crazy enough to be scared of this empty old man who can’t field a question from a comedy host who’s being excessively nice to him.

I’m telling you again. In 2008 I want to see Arnold Schwartzenegger versus Jesse Ventura for the Presidency. And I want the debates to take place in a patch of desert, with a ring marked out with stones, see, and two swords thrown into the ring, and the music they always played on the old Star Trek when Captain Kirk had to fight somebody.

Which Katie West made me an image of, because she loves me and you don’t.

Published in brainjuice


  1. RadioSilence RadioSilence

    Ben Richards v Captain Freedom. Excellent.

  2. The general impression among Americans is that John McCain is a wittle puppy dog who -it just so happens- can probably swallow and shit 6 inch nails if he wanted.

    He hits the all the right American g-spots:
    a) fiscally restrained, keeps a running list of pork-barrel politicans on his site
    b) doesn’t like abortion, but doesn’t particularly feel like doing anthing about it
    c) loyal but honest– he rebuked Bush for dirty politics after the 00 campaign, but maintains a Jesse Custer-like loyalty to President Cassidy, even when the guy fucks his girlfriend and, even though he means well, keeps killing people.

    Someone diagram that sentence.

  3. It’s all relative.

    Consider the candidates who’ve gotten the last two Democratic nominations and it starts to make sense why McCain seems like a threat.

    …I’m from Arizona. I was never a huge fan of McCain but I used to have respect for him — he used to seem like that rarest of things, the honest politician, a guy who spoke his mind rather than toe the party line. Really a symbolic successor to Goldwater — another politician who I think had a pretty fucked-up set of beliefs but acknowledge that they at least seemed to be his own beliefs rather than his party’s.

    But I can’t imagine Goldwater kissing Nixon’s ass the way McCain’s been kissing Bush’s.

    It’s sad what’s happened to McCain in the past few years, and even since last November when he led the charge to say that yes, torture is bad — of course, the fact that this is somehow a radical position is what’s so damn terrifying about the current administration in the FIRST place.

  4. I live in Illinois and Obama is my senator. Or he would be if he’d actually spend time representing my state instead of laying the foundations for a presidential run.

    McCain makes everyone nervous because swing voters (i.e. the people who voted for George Bush twice becasue they thought he’d be good to have a beer with and thought Al Gore and Kerry were nerds) think McCain is a good old boy.

    Personally, I’m hoping for Kinky Friedman to go from Governor of Texas to the white house within one term.

  5. J. Good J. Good

    I still bet McCain has an ear collection…

  6. Ryan McKeiver Ryan McKeiver

    “I’m starting to think that my Democratic friends in the US would be terrified if the GOP ran DONALD FUCKING DUCK in ‘08.”

    Well, yeah. Donald Duck’s resume (WW2 vet, academy award winner, icon for the fight against fascisim) is better than a lot of candidates. With funding from uncle scrooge and disney, he’d be unstopable. If he secures Panchito Pistoles as his running mate (to secure the minority vote) he has the election in the bag.

  7. It’s not that I don’t love you, Warren…

    I just don’t love you ENOUGH.

  8. Damien Damien

    Thank you Ryan. Nail on the head, there. Same with Bugs Bunny, only then we get the Mischief angle, the “I’m a bad widdle boy” spin to things, which plays in Peoria.

    *ahem* Anyway. McCain’s faking it. He knows how strenuous things are “On the Hill,” right now, and he’s not going to say anything that’ll ruin his chances of doing something about the shit storm that’s been running through. He’ll speak up, when it’s really bad (money, sex, drugs, death, torture), but when it’s something he can tell won’t be resolved this time, he waits.

    Laying the foundation with appearances on the Daily Show, where people know him, and people remember how bad he got it, last time he was there? That’s foot work, so you’ll remember, when the time comes.

    At least I hope and pray that’s what he’s doing, because the alternative seems too out of character, no matter the circumstances.

  9. Kevin Kevin

    The music was originaly from the episode “Amok Time” and later became part of the battery of theme music for the series

  10. Carlos Nicolini Carlos Nicolini

    Hey, what’s wrong with Donald Duck? He’s one of my favorite characters of all time and space. Besides, he was a much better soldier than Mc Cain, and he was on the winning side of the war he fought.

  11. Yes, McCain’s been playing politics for the last two years or so, making sure that the NeoCon Republican leadership forget he’s not one of them. I get the feeling that McCain hates the direction the Republican party has taken, and wants to fix it. But in order to do that, he has to convince them he’s one of them. He needs a Presidential nomination, and he needs the Republican war chest to make a go of it.

    Either that, or the wild, outspoken McCain of six years ago was the real act.

    On the Dem side, I’m convinced Kerry and Edwards are both going to run again.

    I just want the summer to be over so we can get the 2006 election season underway and find out what sort of Congress will plague us for the next couple years.

  12. M. E. Hepler M. E. Hepler

    Obama would never win because his name is so close to being Osama. That’s ridiculous and sad but its true.

  13. Marc Manzo Marc Manzo

    This next election is very frightening. It’s not like the democrats are offering many strong contenders to whoever the republicans run. They rolled over and spread their cheeks for them in the last election and will again in ’08. Hillary is hated by the majority of the country and is not the answer. McCain may be the least frightening of the republicans but he’ll only be a figure head to the conservative/pro-business machine. It really seems hopeless.

  14. rusty shakelford rusty shakelford

    “Look! I can fuck myself in the ass for the Lord! Please love me, Christian Whitey!”

    You truly have a gift for dialogue.

  15. Matt Matt

    My entire beloved Democratic party needs a fucking spine transplant, right the fuck now. I’m fucking tired of them making nice and playing politics instead of grabbing the GOP by their swinging nuts and squeezing. They’d rather hide and play games than make a stand on anything, even when there are open fucking weaknesses in the opposition just begging for a kick.

    Wow, that came out bitter. Stand by it, though.

  16. Mike Mike

    It’s true though. The midterms should be so pathetically easy for the Democrats to win at this point and you just know they’re going to fuck it all up somehow.

  17. bob bob

    Matt: you are so right. Sadly.
    The Right has so completely controlled the discussion: “Anyone who dares to criticize the administration’s totalitarian power grab = traitor to the nation.” The Democrats are so afraid of looking “disloyal,” so afraid of alienating the red states, that they don’t dare criticize anything for the most part. Never mind that if they showed passion for the ideals and freedoms that this country is supposed to stand for, people might respond to that.

    Hilary, hated by the right-wingers has tried to court their vote by turning more reactionary than the Republicans on many issues.
    A number of the more “liberal” Democrats recently boycotted the visit by the Iraqi Prime Minister. They were upset when he criticized Israel’s counter-productive and clearly deliberate attacks on civilians and UN observers…

    On the other hand, I continue to be angry that Gore is now showing the kind of enthusiasm, human warmth and, dare I say it, backbone that would have won him (by a larger margin) the 2000 election. The voters won’t respond to it now, however- he already blew it the first time.

  18. Ryan Ryan

    Just to check, Warren, have you read David Foster Wallace’s Up, Simba? It’s a long article about McCain and it’s in his Consider the Lobster collection. If the GOP pick this guy it will be… interesting, at least.

  19. Your Photoshop skills are on par with my sobriety.

  20. Jim Tuck Jim Tuck

    Unfortunatly, Warren, Arnold will never make it any farther in politics than he has in Kahleefornua. He was born in Austria.

    To quote from a not-so-bad flick..

    Stallone: “Hold it! The Schwarzenegger Library?”
    Bullock: “Yes, the Schwarzenegger Presidential Library. Wasn’t he an actor?”
    Stallone: “Stop! He was President?”
    Bullock: “Yes. Even though he was not born in this country, his popularity at the time caused the 61st Amendment…”

    (Demolition Man, BTW.)

    See, we can’t elect anyone not born here to the presidency. :/

  21. “needs a fucking spine transplant”

    Not a spine. Tentacles. Democrats need tentacles with suckers on them capable of sucking disks of skin off of the faces of those who oppose them.

  22. Jim Tuck: you know there’s been a funded movement for a few years to secure that Amendment, right?

  23. Matt Matt

    Stefan: I concede your point. Transformation into giant killer cephalopods would also be useful.

  24. Yes, fuck this two party bullshit. Vote for the Hentai party. Cthulu/Kraken ’08.

  25. Milo Milo

    McCain is more conservative than his republican detractors and democratic supporters care to admit. And even if that weren’t true, he’s been sucking on Bush’s teat for the past five years hoping to get nice and strong for 2008. That can’t be healthy for the rest of us.

    The only decent looking democratic candidate is Russ Feingold. Nice, independant Jew-balls, he’s got.

  26. unhappyjacob (but it's OK 'cause soon the meds will kick in) unhappyjacob (but it's OK 'cause soon the meds will kick in)

    hate my country now…most people bad, destroyed what little faith i had in it and its citizens. all going to hell. Not to mention the fact that we barely have a two party system. We have a factional one party system in a capitalist republic. Be nice if some of us could pull off the creation of a sort of acceptable libertarian/republican third party, split the fucking vote and get a more liberal tool in the oval office.

  27. I am more frightened by Donald Duck than McCain.

  28. And I will make sure to reserve you the champagne room at the Embassy (non mold room please) for yet another election party. It will be the greatest election party ever.

    Minus the Bush and the GangBang of last go roun.

    On a side note, I take great pride in saying that I was one of the group that introduced Warren to The Daily Show. Nice to see that it’s stuck.

  29. Louise Louise

    I was in high school in Minnesota when “The Body” was elected our governor.

    I was in California and applying to graduate schools when Schwarzenegger became our “Governator.”

    Now here I am with one year left in Tennessee, the gubernatorial election is coming up in November, and the closest star of Predator is in Kentucky.

  30. Andy Andy

    I’d vote McCain before I’d vote Clinton.

    …of course, I’d rather have President The Body than either of them.

  31. DrStevew DrStevew

    Oh, hell I’m late on this one…

    But, Warren, we Democrats have been running planks of wood for president for the last decade and show no sign of picking anything like a remotely pliable material, let alone animal matter. McCain on the other hand, has a healthy animatronic look to him that gives the appearance of life, as if Disney imagineers be each other they could outdo the Republican party’s Bush muppet (it’s two man opperated, Cheney has a hand up the rear and Carl Rove tries to control the unwieldy mouth bits).

    We’re screwed in 2008.

  32. Russ Winn Russ Winn

    The only reason that the GOP would push McCain into the spotlight for this is that the necromantic face transplant rituals they keep holding for him are too much of a drain financially and if they put a six year cap on it now they might not run out of virgins.

  33. DrStevew DrStevew

    Quick note: Donald Duck equals scandal city:

    Donald’s nephews’ mother is a goose (which could either hurt or help his career if interspecies relationships are an issue), his military career is marked by insubordination and sabotage, his anger management issues are a thing of legend, and there are recorded cases of domestic disturbances in his off-again on-again relationship with Daisy Duck. Come to think of it, he’s perfect.

  34. Jim Tuck Jim Tuck

    warrenellis: you know there’s been a funded movement for a few years to secure that Amendment, right?

    Yup. But it’ll never happen. It’s not an issue too many people care about. There have been well funded movements to legalize marijuana, reform the electoral college, criminalize alcohol consumption, and end file sharing. But people think the status quo is fine.

    Me, I think we should keep it that way, if only because it kept Kissinger from running for office.

  35. The_Pete The_Pete

    Well yeah, it also prevents a foreigner (read: state “enemies”) from holding the keys to the most powerful nuclear arsenal in the world; or at least, having that chance.

    Much like all those sea ports, you’ve been hearing about.

  36. Eric Palicki Eric Palicki

    “I am more frightened by Donald Duck than McCain.”

    At least McCain wears pants. Mostly.

    And we all realize that this conversation is purely academic, right? The chances are slim that the world, never minde the country, will make it to ’08…

  37. Carlos Nicolini Carlos Nicolini

    Insubordination, yes. But sabotage? Unvoluntary incompetence, yes, but sabotage?

    And Dumbella is a goose? Where was that revealed?

  38. Dirk Dirk

    Ok, everybody raise your hand if, the first time you saw Commando you thought to yourself…”Wow, I bet one day those two guys will be Governors”

    And when you said it, you meant Ventura and Schwarzenegger. Otherwise you don’t get any points.

  39. Robert Robert

    The Democratic Party can fuck up a wet dream.

    I know because they are doing it right now. Could a politician ask for a better record to run against then the last five years of incompetent, corrupt and quite frankly treasonous rule? Nope, and yet they still think they should play nice with the GOP.

    But not to worry. McCain will never be the GOP nominee. Despite all the groveling he’s been doing when he thinks nobody is looking the fundies will not accept him as one of their own. Without the lunatic vote he’s not getting in.

  40. legion legion

    Ah, but Warren – if you had a debate between Ahnold and The Body involving swords, you know who’d win…


  41. Verbatim Verbatim

    Ok, everybody raise your hand if, the first time you saw Commando you thought to yourself…”Wow, I bet one day those two guys will be Governors”

    And when you said it, you meant Ventura and Schwarzenegger. Otherwise you don’t get any points.

    How many points do you get if you realize that Ventura wasn’t in Commando?

  42. Jacob Jacob

    Five…plus another five bonus points for thunder-stealing. You would have doubled your total had you mentioned Predator. However you should get something for knowing who was in commando…especially if you sat through the whole thing.

  43. Commenting late here, but I think this posting on Kevin Drum’s blog pretty much sums up the calculating, conniving little twit I get to call my senior Senator.

    He’s been given a permanent pass by the press for being a sorta war hero, but I hope at some point they wake up to his lack of convictions and character.

  44. Oh, and Warren…the problem isn’t with the orange tie. It’s the turkey neck around which it was far too loosely tied. Trust me, some of us can rock orange ties; we have style.

  45. A.L. Baroza A.L. Baroza

    The GOP leadership’s going to shiv McCain anyway. He won’t be the Republican candidate (assuming martial law doesn’t cancel the Constitution before 2008). It’ll be Rudy Giuliani.

    And isn’t Jesse Ventura living outside of the US these days? Maybe he knows something.

  46. Anders Anders

    Vote Nader instead then.
    If everyone thinks like that, he’ll win!

  47. Bob Gunderson Bob Gunderson

    “The only decent looking democratic candidate is Russ Feingold. Nice, independant Jew-balls, he’s got.”

    Heh. Jew balls. Nice one.

    I wikipedia’d that Kinky guy. Pretty interesting. He’s anti-death penalty (until the system is perfected and all that) and pro-choice. Would that go over in Texas? I like his 5 Mexican Generals idea, too. At least it’s something new.

  48. Allen Allen

    Hmm.. is it just me or are some people trying to blow things a little out of proportion, namely the “martial law by 08” and “world is over by 08” stuff? The republican party has turned into obnoxious self aggrandizing neocons and the democratic party is full of pussies who can’t stand up for anything, or if they do they’re so far off from what the general public feels that it’d be better if they sat back down. Personally I’m for fiscal conservatism and social liberalism, sadly that’s a balance that’s not likely to happen any time soon. Normally I support the Republicans because given my status as a straight white male the social liberalism stuff isn’t as important as the fiscal.. but the way they’re being lately doesn’t really work with those thoughts. So I’m hoping the dems can pull off a narrow margin against the incumbents and take congress. And then I hope someone, anyone, can field a candidate in 08 that is at least half worth voting for, cause it’s been a while now.

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