February 25th, 2006 | brainjuice
I will never understand why they televise motor racing. It’s duller to watch even than golf. A dozen highly-trained charisma-free planks in high-powered darts that handle like vacuum cleaners drawing a best-fitting line through a boring racetrack fifty times and the same three blokes always win. Give me the cross-country rally any day. I remember watching one where the driver was killing his navigator. The suspension had gone, and the driver was bracing himself against the steering wheel over the bumps and ditches and jumps. But the navigator had nothing to brace against. There was an in-car camera with mic, and you could hear the guy screaming every time the car hit the dirt, until he lost the power of speech entirely, and just laid there, jerking. He had to be carried out of the car by medics at the next stop — because god forbid the driver should pull over or anything. I have a feeling that was the navigator who later died when the driver rolled his car.
Bring back Christians vs Lions, that’s what I say. That’d be some television. Don’t lie to me. You only watch the Winter Olympics to see the skiers wipe out on the downhill slopes. I’d wear that shirt and go to the sports bar.
“I’m a Lions fan!”
“Have you ever met a Christians fan?”
“Only in Oklahoma and South Dakota. But they say God invented lions anyway, so they’re kind of torn. Which is funny, really, because that’s what happens to the Christians on a Saturday afternoon anyway…”
I should be running a TV network. I would crush the opposition. Also, see them driven before me and hear the lamentation of their women.
“Les Moonves, what is best in life?”
“To crush Jeff Zucker, see him driven before me, and hear the lamentation of his women.” Now that’d be a press conference worth attending. Les Moonves in a loincloth, collar and tie, waving a broadsword stained with the blood of failed sitcoms. Standing on a pile of dead ugly middle-aged Italian guys with inexplicably hot wives.
Send me all the money now.