On Sports TV

February 25th, 2006 | brainjuice

I will never understand why they televise motor racing. It’s duller to watch even than golf. A dozen highly-trained charisma-free planks in high-powered darts that handle like vacuum cleaners drawing a best-fitting line through a boring racetrack fifty times and the same three blokes always win. Give me the cross-country rally any day. I remember watching one where the driver was killing his navigator. The suspension had gone, and the driver was bracing himself against the steering wheel over the bumps and ditches and jumps. But the navigator had nothing to brace against. There was an in-car camera with mic, and you could hear the guy screaming every time the car hit the dirt, until he lost the power of speech entirely, and just laid there, jerking. He had to be carried out of the car by medics at the next stop — because god forbid the driver should pull over or anything. I have a feeling that was the navigator who later died when the driver rolled his car.

Bring back Christians vs Lions, that’s what I say. That’d be some television. Don’t lie to me. You only watch the Winter Olympics to see the skiers wipe out on the downhill slopes. I’d wear that shirt and go to the sports bar.

“I’m a Lions fan!”

“Me too!”

“Have you ever met a Christians fan?”

“Only in Oklahoma and South Dakota. But they say God invented lions anyway, so they’re kind of torn. Which is funny, really, because that’s what happens to the Christians on a Saturday afternoon anyway…”

I should be running a TV network. I would crush the opposition. Also, see them driven before me and hear the lamentation of their women.

“Les Moonves, what is best in life?”

“To crush Jeff Zucker, see him driven before me, and hear the lamentation of his women.” Now that’d be a press conference worth attending. Les Moonves in a loincloth, collar and tie, waving a broadsword stained with the blood of failed sitcoms. Standing on a pile of dead ugly middle-aged Italian guys with inexplicably hot wives.

Send me all the money now.

(x-post/Bad Signal)


17 Responses to “On Sports TV”

  1. How about “Parlamentarian Deathmatch”, where the most rabid MPs get to REALLY lay into each other?
    Or “Survivor” in a sort of “Lord of the Flies” setting?
    “I’ve got the conch, I’ve got Immunity!”
    “KILL PIGGY!”
    *SMASH*

  2. I always thought they could improve big brother by putting a sociopath in. With a knife.

  3. at least you’ve never had to GO to one of those races. My parents dragged me and my brother when we were younger. Imagine this, siting in the same spot, a hard metal bleacher, next to a bunch of drunk, screaming fuckwad hicks for FOUR HOURS with no entertainment except unbearably loud cars going around in a fucking circle. Oh wait, you just did, sorry. Not the most fondly remembered time of my childhood.

  4. Rob, you should watch the movie My Little Eye then.

    Actually no. No one should. Ever.

  5. I’m holding out for actual gladiator matches, with the stabbin’ and the killin’. Until then, spectator sports are subsidized warfare games, and only for sissies. I remember seeing an episode of Northern Exposure where the older, mountain man bartender (with the hot young wife) castigated his patrons for watching sports: “Running around with a ball. What’s the point? That’s not for real men.” He made them watch PBS.

  6. To make NASCAR more popular, they now frequently call more yellow flags (caution) to continue raising and dropping the speeds of the cars, making them drive closer together, and causing more crashes.

    This is because people like to eat garbage while watching things break.

    Rally is really the only interesting motorsport… and drift racing is just nonsense. Its really just figure skating with cars. Most fans are female, and watch it because its pretty.

  7. NASCAR and its ilk are just a recreation of the chariot races with more noise, longer laps, and less interest.

    Used to be you could go to a chariot race, sit in the circus, and watch them go seven laps around the spina…which would take you about 8 minutes (give or take a couple minutes). You’d get to see scantily clad, good looking men looking dashing, and every once and a while you’d get to see a naufragium (“shipwreck”), a BIG crash with lots of violence, blood, and screaming.

    …and you’d one up anyone who hadn’t been there, because it wasn’t like there was a television for them to watch it on.

    Car racing…eh. Boring. We need a return to chariots and the 8-minute race.

    Personally, I want to see a game that involves a number of people wearing team uniforms without padding having at each other with heavy sticks, the object being to render the opposing team into unconsciousness while striking them about key areas of the body where their uniform has impact sensors. To make the game really cool…the sticks would be made of metal and resemble swords.

  8. Dude. That’s almost as good as the “Sumo Love God” (someone suggested it would be a better show than “Samurai Love God”) joke pitch I wrote over on the Engine.

    “Genji Nakamura, the world’s sexiest sumo wrestler travels from tournament to tournament, showing that the more man there is, the more ladies he gets. He’s thrice the man you are. LITERALLY! Three times the man, THREE TIMES THE WOMEN!”

    “He is…SUMO LOVE GOD!”

    “this week on FOX”

  9. I’m in favour of full contact golf. The image of Vijay Shinge beating the shit outta Tiger Woods on St. Andrews with an assortment of irons fills my heart with joy. Of course, in full contact golf, one should never underestimate the value of a good caddy.

  10. Just got back from a George Carlin show and he mentioned how Christians are really fucking up the world and the Romans had the right idea. “Put ‘em in the arena and set those tigers on em!” I missed the next joke because I had to take a second to remember where I’d just read a similar sentiment. So, who’s channeling who?

  11. See, the Romans thought that the Christians were a radical apocalyptic cult because half of them wanted to keep rebelling against Rome, and the rest kept talking about how God was coming soon and he was going to bring about the Apocalypse and send all the Romans to hell.

    They thought the Christians wanted to destroy the world! Its really no wonder they threw so many to the Romans. Though smartasses like St. Paul telling the Romans he “wasn’t cooked yet” probably didn’t help matters either.

  12. The Romans thought the Christians were a radical apocalyptic cult, because they WERE a radical apocalyptic cult, and a violent one at that. The story of Christians being “unfairly persecuted” is at least partially a myth- some of it was a reaction to crimes the Christians actually did. Nero, for example, blamed the Christians for the fire that destroyed much of Rome because they actually DID cause the fire. The date of the fire coincides with a day of signifcance in Christian apocalyptic prophecies of the time, and it started in Christian inhabited areas.
    Al-Qaida are a bunch of losers in comparison- they could only manage two buildings. Clearly the standards for religiously inspired terrorist groups have fallen in the past 2000 years. Despite that, I fully expect to see a messianic religion eventually spring up around Osama. Or at least a children’s tv show.

  13. I hate-hate-hate-hate NASCAR and watching most major sports (throw/hit the ball, get the ball!), but I do like rally racing. I don’t watch it regulary, but I remember watching the Pike’s Peak challenge a few years ago. There was a tight over 90 degree turn, no guardrails, so far up your spit would ignite before it hit the ground, and the guy just flew off the edge and died skewered and crumpled by his own car. Plus, rally drivers have skills, like not turning left every couple of seconds.

  14. bob, I’d be REALLY interested to see a source on that Rome-Christian Apocalypse thing. (Yes, really.) It’s the first time I’ve heard Christians did the burning, outside the Anthony Quinn movie “Barabas”.

    But seriously, real violence is already on our b-tubes, all that needs to be done is to make it more ENTERTAINING.
    “Worlds wildest police SHOOTINGS”, “COPS -On SPEED”, (or the unforgettable “Let’s hunt down and kill…” -series).

  15. I’m still waiting for “Let’s Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus”. Hicks had the right idea, by gosh.

  16. Anders:
    Professor Gerhard Baudy, University of Konstanz, who has made the most exhaustive study of the early Christian apocalyptic writings, made the link.

  17. Thanks, bob, I’ll look it up. Really interesting idea.
    Another one I’ve heard is that Nero only started blaming the christians when people were starting to suspect and blame HIM.

    After Billy Ray… any suggestions? Britney, Paris Hilton…