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Would You Mind Cooking My Penis?

A clerk at a GetGo station made a horrifying discovery last night after a man walked into the minimart and asked her to heat something wrapped in a paper towel in the store’s microwave.

When the item in the microwave gave off an unusual odor, the clerk opened the oven door, unwrapped the paper and found what appeared to be a severed human penis.

The clerk immediately called police, but the man who handed the item to the clerk fled from the store on Fifth Avenue…

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  1. “Unusual odor”?

  2. Daniel Morgan Daniel Morgan

    And that’s why I don’t ever buy cooked penis from the mini-mart. You just don’t know how long it’s been sitting on those rollers…

  3. Maybe he hadn’t washed it first.

  4. See, now when people asked why the hell I moved to Pittsburgh, I can say it was for the cuisine.

  5. That’s something I want to read first thing waking up..
    Damn me for being so visual. ICK!!!
    And another reason now not to want to eat hotdogs.

  6. Everybody ought to know that to get your cock coked properly, you need to go to Kentucky Fried. Ground pubic hair is, after all, one of the Colonel’s secret spices…

  7. Suddenly, I’m suspicious of the origin of those hot dogs you always see going around in the rotisserie…

  8. So let’s say you have a friend. And let’s say this friend is missing his or her penis. Where would I he or she go to file a missing penis claim?

  9. UPDATE!

    It turns out it was not a real penis, but a fake one intended to pass a drug test.

    The man had gallantly filled a rubber penis with his own urine in order for his lady friend to have some clean stuff for heremployer-orderd drug test.

    News at 11:

  10. Daniel Morgan Daniel Morgan

    You really need to read that story about three times just to fully comprehend the stupidity involved.

  11. photogeek photogeek

    they wanted to warm it up?
    coulfn’t they just have worn loose clothes and stuffed it under her armpit or boob for a few hours?
    or since it was for a woman, and it’s a fake dick, she could’ve stuffed it inside of her to warm it up, since everythings anatomically correct?

  12. photogeek photogeek

    plus, it’s a guy giving his piss for his woman, meaning, i’m sure they’ll test it for estrogen, birth control, etc, finding none or almost none and red flags would’ve been raised.
    nobody does paranoia better than the yanks, so they’ll have those tests included to check for cheaters.

  13. Ben Ben

    The most hilarious part about this is that although it’s not a severed penis, it’s the Whizzinator… which is shaped like a penis. And the woman’s going to use this… and it’s shaped like a penis.

    “Oh, well, the good news is you’re drug free, the bad news is that you’re better hung than me, ma’am”

  14. Susan Susan

    I clicked on the link and silently prayed while it was loading, “Please don’t be Ohio…Please don’t be Ohio…”

  15. Chris Chris

    Man, it was fake? I had my hopes up and everything. But those fake dongs make this loud SNAP when you turn the latch to release the pee.

  16. Jim Tuck Jim Tuck

    You can get them wedge type IV clamps now.. No more snap. Don’t ask me why I know.

  17. Good God, I love living in Pittsburgh. I went out last night, and this was the third most intersting thing I heard all night.

  18. Hartwell Hartwell

    How I ache to move back to the Burgh. All I have in Tallahassee is trios of teenagers raping mentally retarded delivery-women. And let’s face it, that’s just not as marketable as a fake penis in a microwave.

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