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Your Daily Instructions

These are your instructions for the day. They are very simple.

Punch someone in the face. And when they ask why, say: “Warren Ellis told me to do it.”

This is good for everybody. You get to pick someone who’s annoying the shit out of you and punch them in the face without responsibility, because I told you to do it. Eventually, word of all this will get out to the news services, and I will be Sinister Mind-Controlling Internet Jesus, which will do wonders for my book sales. We all win.

Off you go.

— W

Published in brainjuice


  1. I punched this customer in the face and said “Warren Ellis told me to do it!” he then kicked me in the ass and said that Garth Ennis told him to do that. I like your idea better.

  2. Melissa Melissa

    A bit testy today. I’m feeling a real good lashing out is in order.

  3. Garth is a pacifist. Therefore the customer was lying. That means you’re allowed to kill them.

  4. Jnthn Jnthn

    Unfortunately, the people who are annoying me are based in the US of States, and are annoying me through the warm, welcoming glow of the internet. Buggered if I am wasting airmiles to knock their Mask-like dentition. I shall console myself by punching out the drunken residents of Edinburgh over the weekend when I don my dark Puritan vigilante role. I wouldn’t count on there being much chance of publicity given my targets’ intoxication. Just search the news wires for reports of a fat lad attacking revellers on behalf of a warring Elvis.

  5. That lying bastard. He’s dead!
    Yeah, Americans suck. I should know, I am one.
    So by default I probably suck too.
    Oh, well, I shall punch myself in the stomach.

  6. If you’re sinister Mind-Controlling Internet Jesus, who’s going to be your Judas? (And one wonders what thirty pieces of silver is these days, given inflation?)

    Nevertheless, always glad for an excuse to punch a person in the face. If I hit hard enough, can I take their wallet, as long as I leave ten per cent in your collection plate? (This is probably how L.Ron Hubbard got his start as religious messiah/billionaire rather than writer…)

  7. jp jp

    I actually *just* punched a girl right in the face a few moments before I sat down and read your instructions. Soooo weird!

    The girl is very bloody but she’ll live. When she wakes up can I still told her that you told me to do it?

  8. agordonpym agordonpym

    Fantastic!! I can’t wait to punch my bud tonight!! And he can’t do shit about it. WOO!
    Thanks SMI Jesus.

  9. Lex Lex

    Feh. I’ve been punching people in the face for years and blaming it on you.

  10. Sebastian Sebastian

    I just came back from a funeral and my brother has been irritating me incessantly. I’m way too tempted to play along.

  11. And it really, really, works.

  12. Blast. Nobody around to punch but ex-military housemates who could beat me into a coma and my mysteriously-affectionate-lately sleeping ex. I imagine I’ll just have to punch myself in the face before I go watch cartoons, then.

  13. Susan Susan

    Oh, goddamnit. The things you don’t see until you get home from work.


    Oh, well- maybe next time, eh?

  14. Eric Palicki Eric Palicki

    Sorry…the only person in close proximity at the moment is my girlfriend, and, well, I’d rather not ruin my sex life.

  15. Warren Ellis is teh ghey Warren Ellis is teh ghey

    I can see where you are coming from, Warren.
    Your mom can see where I am coming from as well.
    Every night.
    In her good eye, yo.

  16. intarweb surpher intarweb surpher

    i want to punch #16 in the face. but the day is over now so i’ll just twiddle my thumbs.

  17. Napalm Dog Napalm Dog

    As per instructions, I went out and punched a larger fellow man in the head. Hard. I then ran and yelled “Warren Ellis told me to do it!” I don’t think he heard me though and I’m too scared to go out now. My adrenaline-rush is gone and I think his girlfriend is still wandering the neigborhood looking for me. How the Hell do I let you talk me into these things?!

  18. Another benefit is you’ll get put on the No Fly list as an international terrorist and you’ll have the perfect excuse for never attending a Stateside convention again.

  19. Rick Rick

    The day’s not over till I sleep… go forth and keep on punching for Warren. And being that I am a lazy insomniac bastard, #16, consider yourself punched. Warren told me to do it, but I’d do it in any case.

  20. In lawsuit-happy America? I think not.

  21. Yeah, yeah, sure. Whatever Warren says, right?

    You owe me bail money, monkeyboy.

  22. I neglected to punch anyone in the face, but I did get to push someone on the black fucking ice that’s covered our campus. They slid a few feet and then tripped over a mound of snow.

    They had no idea who the fuck this Warren Ellis person was, but that didn’t change the hilarity of the situation one bit.

  23. Oxfordboy Oxfordboy

    Rest assured….the people at my workplace now know to fear the name Warren Ellis.
    (well actually….a few of them knew that anyway….but now they expect violence in your name aswell)

  24. Chrissyboy Chrissyboy

    Wonder of Warrens postman reads this….now that would be funny.

  25. Jacob Jacob

    So, umm, see I hit this guy in the face last week, when he asked why and I couldn’t think of a really good reason (apart from him being a colossal prick, but I assumed he knew) and the fact that I’d just been reading some of your stuff, well…so, should I hit him again? Does it need to be someone else? I need a little clarification I’m sorry.

  26. Rob Rob

    Damn you Ellis, Just as I was about to hit my irritating neighbour, he smacked me in the mouth and claimed you you told HIM to do it. I am now off to get a gun!

  27. Darrell Darrell

    Sounds like Fight Club.

  28. Napalm Dog Napalm Dog

    I just woke up under a shrub to the sounds of the girlfriend’s shrieks. She’s still looking for me. The boyfriend went home hours ago. I should never underestimate the female’s ability to to go fuck-all, shit-stirred crazy and ride that high for days, if not weeks. How the Hell do I get talked into these things?!

  29. Perhaps its not the result you were looking for, but as you wished, I open-hand slapped my friend and housemmate to follow it up with “Warren Ellis told me to”. Seeing how he too reads your work, thought little of it, relaxed the hand which was ready to throw a punch back into my chest, laughed and went back to what he was doing. This may or may not boost the comic purchasing power in our house.

  30. Working in a hair salon and hoping that the customers come back, I don’t think this will be a great idea. I might pass on it this time but thank you for the offer, it was very thoughtful and so near Christmas, words just fail to amaze me..

  31. Jacob Jacob

    Well, as further instructions were not forthcoming I simply decided to vent the wellspring of vicious hatred that has been my constant companion and, dare I say it? Yes, friend, lo these many years and go on a punch crazy rampage free from guilt as I can blame SMI Jesus. By the way Jnthn, I live in the US, have a dentition that is far from mask-like and am constantly annoyed by the detritus that fate has forced me to call my countrymen, so if you’d like I could include your name in the fucking explanation, or perhaps, you could send me a list. I have limited funds but am wealthy in anger, so as long as they’re somewhere in the Seattle area you’re covered.

  32. not Fight Club, it’s a revival of teh Fl4shm0b.

  33. Danny Danny

    I’m curious, are you interested in the fame or the pain?

  34. Jnthn Jnthn

    Jacob – I’m afraid I don’t know where my nemesis resides, plus I visited Seattle for the first time this September – Bumbershoot, EMP, the lot – and it was uniformly splendid. You could berate the lady at the film processing desk in the Pharmacy near the library for selling my pal the wrong battery for his camera.

    Or not.

  35. Zul Zul

    been punching people in the face in Warren Ellis’ name since 1998 …

  36. “Ow! Who the hell punches someone in the ear?!”

  37. BCNbastard BCNbastard

    I beg the gods for punching my boss and all the bastards in my workplace, Divine justice (mine) will fall soon or late over their greasy-dandruffy heads. They’ll fire me anyway because they don’t know who the hell is -W. Fuck it, they’re allready dead.

  38. m.lymch m.lymch

    thank you for inspiration. but who to choose? so many assholes at work
    not enough broomsticks to lodge up there.

  39. is it okay to punch a dog,he just ate my pizza.

  40. Irishdevil Irishdevil

    I am lying in bed when my roomate just randomly hits me. This is not really that odd, we believe that you hurt the one you love. But he followed this random act with ” Warren Ellis told me to do it.” I hit him back. We have been abusing each other all day today because of it. It pretty much gave us reason to abuse each other.Thanks for the reason for today and for the next couple of weeks to abuse other people. Just trying to do our part.

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