Twitter: A Drainage Gully For Mental Slurry

August 31st, 2010 | brainjuice

For a while, I had a capture of my twitter feed running here. It ended up doing something weird to my API calls, stopping me from running my desktop client, so I killed it. Which is probably just as well, asI talk a lot of shit on Twitter. It’s basically mental slurry, the wet lumpy bits from a day spent at the keyboard vented off into a trap so the buildup doesn’t blow some crucial valve in my head. Look at these, from the last few months:

* A shot of breakfast whisky, fresh pack of smokes and three cans of Red Bull and off we bloody well go

* And that is how we get out 1000 words at the start of the day. (And also lop 3 months off my life expectancy, but hey)

* The Emmys would be more interesting if Jay Leno arrived on a motorbike made from Johnny Carson’s bones.

* It is so stupidly fucking cold here that I actually had to put on clothes to go to the pub today

* Sometimes I think 50 FIRST DATES was the first great horror film of the 2000’s.

* @xenijardin Minutes ago, I lived in a world without the word "self-hitlerization" in it. Thank you for fixing that.

* I didn’t get online until 1994, at a speed of 1200bps. Which is the speed of getting a badger to fetch mail for you.

* I just opened the front door while naked and apparently I’ve still got it because the UPS man clearly licked his lips. Morning.

* Rules for my new readers: you have to commit a crime & tell the arresting officer I made you do it. Helps me sell books.

* Whenever I’m being threatened by the US Government, the first thing I do to relax is commit serious crimes in Sweden

* SKINWICH http://bit.ly/cTv8eY

* i don’t care if it’s real or not I WANT A SKINWICH NOW and a side of fried human fingers

* I am considering an entirely human version of the SKINWICH. Who do I know who would have delicious skin?

* wow look at all those people unfollowing me YOUR SKIN WOULD HAVE TASTED LIKE SHIT ANYWAY mutter swear drink

* Yes, I did remember to put on clothes today. It’s a bit showy, for a penis sheath, but…

* Ah, rotting lightless carcass city under gunmetal sky; London in the summertime, what joy

* The man sitting in front of me on the train smells so strongly of mackerel that he may be wearing some under his clothes

* Please remember me fondly after I’m found gutted on this train, victim of mystery serial killer The Mackerel Man

* good morning, my lovely little gonorrhea discharges

* Jodie Foster’s got to be wondering if she can CGI Mel Gibson out of THE BEAVER and replace him with Bin Laden or someone

* I can smell perfume. Either I’m being stalked or one of the two binmen sitting out here has a secret. Or both of them.

* I’m going to California to marry everybody! (no wait I think that’s still illegal)

* Huh. @gamoid just tweeted that "Human/Warren Ellis marriage is still illegal in 49 states." Shitballs.

* iTunes: I ignore your username and password. Me: but I want to pay you money! iTunes: your money is inferior. I spit on it.

* Me: iTunes, what’s going on? iTunes: I’m fucking your mother’s bones. Towel me off and I might let you update your apps.

* Always remember: that which does not kill you makes you stronger. Until it does eventually kill you. Good night.

* useful social note: combo-punching real people in the face still doesn’t make them turn into a shower of gold coins

* aaag is this the "morning" of which you speak

* Hey, San Diego, see that grey blanket of rain and misery in the sky? That is the herald of my arrival.

* I am here at San Diego, hovering above you all and urinating freely. You thought that was rain earlier, right?

* An excellent vodka martini is improving my morning no end. What? Everyone loves a drunk on a plane.

* I would pay someone to leave voodoo dolls and half-eaten bagels outside Mel Gibson’s house, just to see his head explode

* I tried to limit myself to one #movieswithbatman joke but then I thought of a hundred more and then my brain exploded

* The thing is, I now really want to see "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Batman." Also "The Batman Who Fell To Earth."

* But "The Sweet Smell Of Batman" and "The Cook, The Batman, His Wife And Her Lover" may not be improvements on the originals

* God, I hope I never have to hear a bloody vuvuzela again. I didn’t believe in Satan until I heard that thing.

* There’s atemporality for you: it’s 2010 and yet there are still sitcoms about vicars on the BBC.

* I believe Mel Gibson should be the next Batman, and he should end his every line with "…but you will blow me first."

* The part of Warren Ellis will be played today by Squadron Leader Sir Harvest Chopnecke-Deth, Retd., deceased


10 Responses to “Twitter: A Drainage Gully For Mental Slurry”

  1. I missed some of these first time it seems. The comment about the continued existence of vicar related sitcoms made me instinctively reach for the pint which was not there.

    I hope you’re proud of yourself.

  2. “a bloody vuvuzela” sounds like something that requires medical attention.

    and possibly also being more careful who you go home with in the future.

  3. Warren, you are awesome.

  4. You may live to regret asking us to tell the cops it was your idea.

  5. I had actually expected worse from the description Neil Gaiman gave me of your twitting style.

  6. What’s Neil been saying about me?

  7. Don’t remember exactly (that was last summer) but “inventive invectives” would be a good summary.

  8. “fuckin rag glued to my face, truck glued to my hand, this is bullshit”

  9. Meaning you were good at that type of things.

  10. “It’s basically mental slurry, the wet lumpy bits from a day spent at the keyboard vented off into a trap so the buildup doesn’t blow some crucial valve in my head.”

    That’s basically the only reason people do facebook statuses on facebook.Except over there it’s the wet,lumpy bits from a day spent listening to Justin Bieber,but almost the same thing…….