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The Greatest Sport On Earth

Matt Fraction, writer/filmmaker
Matt Fraction
goes to the sumo

While more discerning Sumo snobs might scoff at a fight-card with but three native Japanese combatants surrounded by the pudgiest pugilists the Former Soviet Bloc Countries have to offer, the mood on the street crackles with electricity scented more of crispy, crispy bacon than of the usual ozone and urine.

All of New York’s ironic obscuro-sports aficionados will testify that tensions outside the Garden feel more taut than a wrapped thong diaper as Torsten “Der Todespringer” Scheibler, Gold Medal winner in last week’s Osaka Sumo Tourney and 418-pound flab of fettesau fury and Deszo Libor, the Hugongous Hungarian and Osaka silver-taker, prepare kick the sacred sand and slap the sacred man-teets, twin towers of power not even the ladyboys of the Taliban can knock down.

Unfounded and debunked rumors claiming that Levan Altunashvili, Jondo Dabrundashvili, and Levan Ebanoidze do not hail from the Republic of Georgia but rather from the suburbs of Atlanta, Georgia, spread like wildfire this afternoon before the truth shone through…

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