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Ripping Yarns

It occurs to me that an awful lot of trouble in Gotham City could have been averted a long time ago if Batman had just ripped the Joker’s nipples off.

I mean, treatment doesn’t work, does it? They stick the Joker in the nuthatch, he comes out again and does the same things.

A man with the nipples ripped off him does not make the same mistakes twice.

Criminals are a superstitious, cowardly lot, and need the nipples ripped off them.

I mean, who’s going to argue?

“Batman, I’ve heard disturbing reports that you ripped the Joker’s nipples off.”

“Choke on my fuck, Commissioner Gordon.”


I mean, crime in Gotham City doesn’t exactly seem to be affected by a man dressed as a bat flapping around the place. But no-one disobeys a man wearing a necklace of human nipples.

“I’m Batman” isn’t cutting it in the striking-fear-into-their-hearts stakes. But “I’m Batman — and I’m here for your nipples” is an entirely different proposition.

Criminals would see the error of their ways after a man in a black leather pervert suit had their nipples off with the edge of a Batarang, you mark my words. Or a Bat-Denipplizer.

I’m off to ring DC Comics.

(Written 2002, just realised it hadn’t been moved over here yet.)

Published in brainjuice


  1. I figured most of you had seen it before, but in the interests of making this a complete
    archive, or at least a complete archive of the stuff I’d like to keep…

    — W

  2. Shon Shon

    The sad thing is I bet DC would go for it now, but only if he rips the nipples off of other heroes.

  3. RachelHarper RachelHarper

    This is fantabulosa!

  4. Would he rip off the nipples of girl chriminals as well?

  5. I remember this idea from way back when. Always thought it was brilliant. And you know, with the ass-raping that’s all the rage at DC now, I bet they’d really go for a nipple-ripping vigilante.

  6. In my opinion we don’t know enough about the psychological effects of nipple rippage to assess whether it would be a viable solution to Gotham’s crime epidemic.

    Would it be enough to drive an insane criminal back to a career as a failed stand-up comedian? Or would it serve as a catalyst, fuelling crimes so dark and so twisted that the only way Batman could hope to stop them would be by turning his bat-shaped nipple ripper on himself?

  7. Amfeed Movie Spider: “…and you have no nipples. You shall be my loyal assistant instead.”

    By that formula I think Bats already started with Boy Wonders one through three.

    I think de-toeing the villains would be more effective. I’d like to see that fat fuck The Penguin get away without his little piggies!

    “Batman, the Penguin has escaped from Arkham!”
    “Don’t worry, Commisoner, I took care of it when I arrested him in March.”
    “Wait…I just got the report in. No, he tripped over his own toeless feet five minutes out the door.”
    “Teach the fucker to mess with the Bat. I’m off to go emotionally scar some more young protegees, Jim. If you have any more kids, let me know. My tailor’s doing some costume resizing.”

  8. “In my opinion we don’t know enough about the psychological effects of nipple rippage to assess whether it would be a viable solution to Gotham’s crime epidemic.”

    I got 50% dumber just reading this sentence.

  9. marquac marquac

    If I might be the voice of reason here. I think Warren should repost his shark bukkake idea which which was done around the same time as his batman idea as well. Perhaps there would be a discussion on the psychological effecs of that as well.

  10. Brid Brid

    Hrm. That is one approach, I suppose. Does he just apply purple-nurples to first time offenders? And what of Ra\’s Al Ghul? Would it work on him? Does the Lazarus Pit do nipples?

  11. remial remial

    I was always fond of the baby snuff porn bit. Warren was right imagining Bette impailing a baby with a strapon WOULD make Beaches a better movie…

  12. The conspiracy-theory nut in me wonders if Aronofsky embraced your nipple-ripping Batman idea, and that’s why Christopher Nolan ended up directing.

  13. Michael Michael

    I remember this BadSignal. Lovely. And ouch.

  14. Waiting for someone to categorise this as dark spand– oops. Nevermind.

  15. I Warren Ellis » Ripping Yarns “Batman, I’ve heard disturbing reports that you ripped the Joker’s nipples off.” “Choke on my fuck,…

  16. Mr M Mr M

    Just a few problems in your little Nipple based suggestion to make Batman a more effective crime fighter
    1. His whole reason for fighting crime, his whole motivation is to be better than the killers of his parents. sadistically deforming villains however psychotic they are would utterly undermine this
    2. Telling Commissioner Gordon to choke on your fuck and continuing on your nipple rampage is a good way to get the Gotham Police Force to finally decide that heavily armed vigilantes are the problem not the solution. nipple rippage may be acceptable in Guantanamo Bay but probably not in Gotham City. Plus they would just call Batman a sex pervert, all his good works for charity would be overlooked.

    You may as well say, \”hey batman should kill all his opponants, that would stop them doing it again and again!\” He\’s trying to rise above the villains and work out his various psycho sexual problems through an anal attention to his own physical being, Techno-Fetishism and by worrying that he has probably already committed as many criminal acts as his enemies.
    To be honest calling batman a sexually repressed freak is on a par with saying \”ohh Sherlock Holmes and Watson living together, they must be gay\” and pointing out how tight the Boy Wonder\’s tights are.
    What we all should be looking into is the inherent class bias in the whole set up. Rich boy Wayne is immune from prosecution and the perennial good guy whereas all his villains are working class. It is clearly ruling class propaganda intending to brainwash us into accepting the current class system by simultaneously heroising the scions of mega rich families.

  17. Rob Rob

    And thus I finally understand why comments breed retard farming.

  18. Rob Rob

    And thus I finally understand why comments breed retard farming.

  19. Wingin’ It – Show #013
    What’s on this week: Update on the Name Summer & Joe debate. We finally pass along a few of the…

  20. […] and for those of you wondering about Evo’s comment about The Joker’s nipples that caused Summer to almost lose it, read “Ripping Yarns”, direct from the source, and be sure to set aside your drink before doing so. […]

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