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On Drinking

So I had this dream last night and it’s stuck with me all day. So much so that I’m now writing it down to try and exorcise it.

So in this dream I’m taking the piss horribly out of David Mamet. I’m not sure why, except possibly he’s drinking Budweiser and refusing whisky. And I’m taking the piss out of him, his Hemingway complex, his religious bullshit, his cheerful keyboard-wankery and his reduction of everything to basically chopping fucking wood.

And for no good reason I can see, he shows me his penis. And it’s square. Well, it’s rectangular, I guess. But you know what I mean. It has corners. And an oaky grain to it. And he tells me that he has to take a tomahawk and hack a fresh notch in Rebecca Pidgeon before he fucks her each month. Because more than once a month, he says, and a man can get to kind of like it, and it’s one short step from there to wearing a dress.

And the thing is that alcohol has not actually passed my lips all week. Haven’t been drinking this week at all.

I’m not really sure what to do.

— W

(originally written 20 November 2005)

Published in brainjuice


  1. Sarah Sarah

    Drink. Now. For godssakes.

  2. RMC RMC

    Ha! you should have been a psychiatrist. Or at least, y’know, go see one. Do your dreams ever end up in your comics?

  3. mark mark

    my big toes are square. i hope penis doesn’t go square, that would be a kind of awkward thing for the foreskin to contend with. like a really dull obstacle course i guess.

  4. mark mark

    mine penis, that is.

  5. Sarah So Sarah So

    …And I thought my dreams were weird. I take great comfort in the fact that I don’t dream about the horribly misshapen genitalia of playwrights.

  6. R. Callbeck R. Callbeck

    You need to drink more…


  7. Fred B Fred B

    You haven’t had a drink all week? It’s monday. Morning. Barely.

    We need some beer over here, stat!

  8. All I can say is that if it’s a short step from fucking Rebecca Pidgeon frequently to wearing a dress, it must be a happy man indeed who feels that tug of anticipation about the Laura Ashley spring collection.

    I never understood how a hack like Mamet (he wrote ‘Revenge of the Space Pandas’ fer crissakes!) landed that particular bird. Tom Stoppard, okay… even Chris Durang on a good day… but David Mamet? Must be the cologne… or the pinewood penis.

  9. …are you sure that you were dreaming?

  10. Remy Remy

    You need to go get cop slugging drunk.

  11. elodie elodie

    i like strange dreams like that.
    send one this way.

  12. Max Max

    I had a dream like that once, but it was Scott Bacula from Quantum Leap.

  13. Christian Christian

    Rebecca Pigeon has always made me uneasy, id wager there is blowup dolls with more personality. I guess fucking her with a wooden penis I would hope it to leave splinters. But why any cock would penetrate that hole i dont know.

  14. Paul Paul

    First thing I thought was: square peg/round hole.

  15. square peg, round ho(le)

  16. (and either I need more than three hours of sleep… or post #14 wasn’t there when I made my reply

  17. Camilla Camilla

    Now *there’s* a dream that’s full to the brim with lovely juicy puns and things. Has the passage of time given you any perspective on it?

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