“Those hook things they used to ride the sandworms in DUNE.  You know the ones.  The hooks go in, and, um…y’know, that’s some really nice thin wire you got there…”   Conan! What Is Best In Life is a long-standing warrenellis dot com tradition.  You should not view Conan! posts if you or your workplace [...]

“Creating an electrified torture rack for my penis!” Or, to paraphrase William Gibson, the penis finds its own uses for things.  That’s a consumer-grade TENS machine, the sort of thing you can pick up on Amazon for forty quid. Oh.  Yeah.  You might not want to click through on it.  Should have mentioned that earlier.  [...]

“Love AND war.”   (Previously on Conan! What Is Best In Life?)

“Divesting your life of the things you don’t use. Like, for instance, nipples.” A very mild Conan! post, I know, but they don’t all have to be horrorshows, and this is actually kind of interesting: I haven’t seen a nipple nullification after a year’s healing before. it’s almost like your eyes are playing tricks on [...]

“Clanking.”

"Cutting off your own thumbs. Because, you know, fuck evolution."

“Keeping a sword handy!” (The annual Phuket Vegetarian Festival always brings out the determined and intrepid. This is probably less hardcore than some of the genuinely mental stuff I’ve seen in previous years.)

“Beads. Shiny shiny beads.”

"Oral hygiene."

"Turning my cock into a puckered arsehole!" Some people still believe I invented the saline infusion game in CROOKED LITTLE VEIN. No.

"Romance." (Last Conan! for a while, I promise.)

"Glazing."

AUGH CHRIST NO GET YOUR FINGERS OUT OF THERE GET YOUR FINGERS OUT OF THERE What is best in life? That moment when your too-curious friend takes their goddamn fingers out of there, I would imagine.

For some men? Just getting rid of the damned thing. A particularly reasoned note in the comments section of the above link, by the post’s author Sean Philips: …here are a few explanations I have heard over the years (none from this guy in particular). -Wanting to make the ultimate commitment to being a gay [...]

"DAY-GLO HUMAN UDDERS!" (I feel I must point out that these are really not what are best in life, and that Molly Crabapple should be arrested and probably waterboarded for making me look at this.) (And also this.) (Cowgirls. Honestly.)

"Weighted tentacle labia!" Or not, frankly. Note: “Conan!” links are rarely safe for conservative workplaces or your belief in human nature. (Previously, on "Conan! What Is Best In Life?")

"A relaxing cigarette." (Actually, this is quite interesting.)

"BATTLE!" (warrenellis.com is not safe for work. Conan! posts are not safe for your perception of 21st Century society.) (Hello to anyone coming here from Observer Music Monthly. The post they were citing is very short and is here.) (tip of the hat to Jordan at ModBlog, doing a fine job)

"Well… it’s not quite as good as having eyes in the back of your head, but…" (edited to add: via ModBlog, of course)

"Somewhere safe to keep your pen."