Skip to content →

Conversations With My Daughter

"Ellis, I need new HOUSE DVDs."

"Why do you like HOUSE, Lili? He’s just a grumpy old man, and you always tell me I’m a grumpy old man."

"Yes, but you’re not a doctor… (pauses, sees something she distrusts in my eyes, continues slowly)… you’re not legally a doctor, Ellis."


Published in brainjuice


  1. this is the entire reason i had children.

  2. Addy Addy

    Tell me your daughter actually calls you “Ellis”. That’s the single greatest thing I’ve heard all week.

  3. Illogic Illogic

    I see in your future a role as a patient on House. I’m thinking a perverted uncle that got caught in customs while smuggling peyote cacti in his ass, and ending up fighting airport security. They only manage to capture him once he suddenly falls asleep standing up.
    Upon further inspection House discovers that the patient has an extra set of balls internally. In his brain.
    There is also a cain-fight showdown on the roof of the hospital, as well as beard stabbings.

    I’m gonna go work on your un-official memoirs now. They’re turning out quite nicely so far actually. You came to earth inside a chunk of space ice, and are related to the Norse deity Odin somehow. Possibly a clone from that eye he threw in a well, that was created by alien rape snails.

  4. Your own daughter calls you, “Ellis”.
    Perhaps one day, she’ll become an editor.

  5. Joe Joe

    Calling him ellis just helps her distance herself from the times she has to drag him to bed while wading through a foot of his whiskey and rage induced vomit or use the oars of a small boat to prize him from his filthy chair after an all-nighter.

    This is what we call character building.

  6. IanCommentor IanCommentor

    You should probably beat her more.

  7. Anonymous Anonymous

    I can’t watch House. I keep imagining Bertie Wooster as a doctor.

  8. Rick Rick

    Your daughter possesses a vast and terrifying wisdom. Someday she will wreak great havoc upon this poor battered world and make you proud.

  9. Stig Stig

    Crap, it looks like she knows about the cellar-clinic.

  10. Mhepler Mhepler

    Why are you not guest-starring on these shows? I want an episode of Lost where Faraday sends your mind sideways through space-time with his timetraveling radiation/tanning gun then runs you naked through a maze for a can of red bull.

  11. Susan Susan

    Well, that certainly is a DVD set I can get behind. I didn’t realize 13 year olds were into House, though.

    And, this seems about right- though, I’ve been calling my parents by their first names since I was just a wee little thing.

  12. Nick Nick

    House is an inferior sort of medical drama spoonfed to a public who desperately wants to forget the existence of nurses and medical technicians. It taps into our dark belief that all doctors know exactly what they’re doing and only fuck-up because of extreme personal failings, which we can get at them at, rather than the obscene difficulty of administering medical treatment, which most of us can only scratch our head at. Honestly, you could probably replicate the effect of the show by buying her a bunch of those surgical instruction tapes and getting ripped on seconal before sitting down next to her while she’s watching them and trying to explain Wales.

  13. Hank Hank

    You know once she discovers her writing talent and teams up with dear old Dad, we’re all fucked.

  14. Christian Otholm Christian Otholm

    Your daughter seems like a wonderful person, though I’m still surprised you don’t make your family call you Internet Jesus, Internet Jesus.

    And I know this is going to come as a surprise, but I don’t think people watch House because you want accurate depictions of medical drama. Which tends to involve a lot of form-filling and waiting. You watch it, because the public’s perception of Sherlock Holmes has tarnished the possibility of seeing Bastard Sherlock Holmes from the old days, in a modern day TV series.

  15. Doppelneger Doppelneger

    Oh man you totally shouldn’t have posted that.
    Now 4chan will do something 4chan-like again.

  16. Doppelneger: 4chan has a geekgasm every time Warren does anything, including twitching his left nostril *just so*. They’re like little schoolgirls that way, really.

  17. Wallace Harshaw Wallace Harshaw

    The Power of Hugh Laurie Compels You!

  18. Leo Leo

    I always thought House was a comedy.

  19. I can’t watch house without thinking about Black Adder. I half expect him to start prancing around like the Prince and acting like a buffoon, or worse.

    The accent still weirds me out a bit.
    It just seems a little wrong.
    But I get that from Tennant when I watch Dr Who, possibly because I know how thick his accent really is.

    You get Ellis from your daughter? Wow. I get many things from my daughter, but not my last name.
    I suggest you go over to the ULC website and get yourself ordained. That way you can then demand to be Reverend Ellis. (and inflict marriages upon people in several of the states in the USA.)

Comments are closed.