Things That Are Wrong: Nike+

May 24th, 2006 | researchmaterial

NIKE +

Sensors in the Nike+ shoes talk to a receiver plugged into your iPod. You go out jogging or running with your iPod, earbuds in. Your Nike+ shoes talk to your iPod, and your iPod talks to you — a speech program gives you your performance stats in real time.

Wrong.


20 Responses to “Things That Are Wrong: Nike+”

  1. What are you talking about?

    Hack that thing up with R. Lee Ermey’s voice goading you on, Gunny Sergeant-style, laughing at your “random” Coldplay tracks, and just watch those pounds fall off.

    “Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit. Get the fuck off of my sidewalk. Get the fuck down off of my sidewalk. Now. Move it. I’m going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world.”

    He could respond to the environment, too.

    “You did NOT just step in that dogshit, numb-nuts! Now drop and give me 25!”

    Hell, I’d buy a pair, and I can barely run a bath.

    //\Oo/\\

  2. I agree, I don’t think I would like to have some disassociated female voice telling me to keep on running, but of course if that same disassociated female voice was telling me that she was waiting in my loft for some hot ipod Nano sex with my Nike air max…

    ok… nevermind.

    I don’t like it.

    We need our ipod to be able to sense when it’s last call/whiskey specials at the pub, not how fit we are.

  3. Cyberpunk lives.

  4. What a completely useless piece of shit! What’s really perverse are the people who will buy it. Let’s see; Buy food or shoes that tell me how much of a scumbag I am. Well, the choice is obvious, isn’t it?

  5. All mine told me was that my fucking feet stink

  6. An interesting hack on it would be to have your ipod automatically adjust your playlist to match the strenuousness of your workout. As you run faster/for longer amount of time the songs picked get faster/heavier/whatever.

    Of course, you’d have to either go through and assign a value for each of your workout songs’ rockosity (this should be a word) or have your ipod read ahead in the playlist and do beat-detection…

    I wouldn’t buy the damned things, but there’s definitely some potential.

  7. Who the fuck wants to listen to their shoes?

    Beside Maxwell Smart that is…
    http://www.raincityguide.com/wp-content/photos/Get_smart_listen.jpg

  8. tequila makes them shut up… or something.

  9. Even better would be to program your Nike+ to broadcast to OTHER iPods to say “Fuck off and die, brainless Hipster piece of shit” over and over.

    Bonus points for being able to broadcast on the FM dial as well.

  10. [...] I think it’s pretty nifty, but Warren Ellis thinks different, very different. [...]

  11. I dunno. Anything that helps geeks like me drop thirty pounds can’t be all bad. Unless it’s, you know, heroin.

  12. [...] I’m not sure why this makes me uneasy but it does. Now Nike shoes can communicate with your iPod and sends messages about how you are running. I immedialy leap to what else your shoes can be communicating with. (got it from Warren Ellis) [And dammit if Boing Boing didn’t pick it up also I’ll have to try harder.] [...]

  13. Is this the Grim Meathook Future where machines order us about?

  14. What I’d like is a sensor in the shoes that detects the rhythm of your footfalls and then sets up a playlist of songs with that same beat. When I would walk home in the middle of the night from my crap job at Starbucks it always felt better, just more Right, to walk along in step with the beat. So yeah, that would be cool. Turning your iPod into a personal trainer? That sounds like a great way to end up with a bunch of broken iPod parts…

  15. Heh… I wouldn’t say this is the most worthless thing ever invented, but it definitely stinks of a needless toy for those people too rich to be sane. I bet some starving kid in a sweat shop would like some, only he’d sell it for food, and that is if he can stand too touch a pair after making them all day.

    But seriously what’s next… Charmin +? “Your temperature is 98 degrees. Is that a bump? You should see a doctor about tha…. foooooosh.” Shitty way for modern technology to be put to use.

  16. I don’t jog, and I hate joggers with a passion (as do I hate Nike), but I don’t see how having iPod tell you how your workout is going is “wrong”.

    It’s no different than having a dedicated pedometer or a jogging watch. It’s just a different form of feedback, and cheaper than a personal trainer.

  17. Whoa, flashback to the episode of the Simpsons where Otto’s shoes talk to him. “We only want to have some fun!”

  18. File under ‘Useless Shit We Don’t Need’. The cash spent on researching stuff like this should’ve been assigned to feeding and clothing the people who were put on the factory lines in southeast Asia or south America to make these dumb things…

  19. I await the drum machine trainers from the last issue of the Invisibles.

  20. Andy & Ed: your wish is their command;
    http://www.unwiredview.com/2006/05/25/ipod-sport-coming-from-apple-soon/

    Now if they had an iPod attachment that changed the music based on how many drinks you’ve had, *that* would be useful.