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Human Race Officially Over

Tesco is launching what it claims is the world’s first musical sandwich.

The sandwich plays a medley of Christmas tunes when the packaging is opened. It features the same technology used in talking greetings cards.

“The concept of musical sandwiches is something we’ve been looking at for a while now and we thought Christmas would be the perfect time,” said Tesco spokesman Jonathan Church. “If they prove to be as successful as we think then we will consider a whole range of musical sandwiches. One idea already under consideration is working with record companies to launch songs by new artists on the market by way of the musical sandwich.”

Tesco’s musical sandwich is a traditional Christmas combination of turkey and cranberry sauce with pork and cranberry stuffing.

It plays a medley of classic Christmas tunes including Jingle Bells, Santa Claus is Coming to Town and We Wish You a Merry Christmas.

Published in researchmaterial


  1. So it is here: The single thing that will tip me over the edge and send me rampaging through a crowded urban area, killing indiscriminately before being brought down by a sniper’s bullet.

  2. Marc Manzo Marc Manzo

    I’m disappointed. I was hoping the sandwich would play music when you bit into it. Thus leading to a sandwich that could scream when you bit into it…

  3. Just want to eat my sandwich, not listen to bad music.
    I mean, maybe, if they put fairytale in NY on there.

  4. matt matt

    I have had the misfortune of working in the area opposite the evil fucking sandwich, which does not ever switch off – and prompts a slow groundswell of impotent rage with its tinny rendition of christmas hits.
    Tesco is a monopoly run by idiots, and it is only for the money that I continue to wear its uniform and deal with its mongoloid customer base

  5. Tek Tek

    That is SICK and that is FUCKING WRONG!!

  6. Natalie Natalie

    I have broken teeth.

  7. Denyer Denyer

    Just a *little* bit wasteful in terms of resources, then…

  8. Erik Erik

    You know the next thing will be adverts instead of music.

    Spam sandwich.
    *rip* “Wouldn’t this sandwich go so much better with a nice bottle of Coke?”

  9. Ben Ben

    I want a sandwich that plays porn.

  10. Lee Lee

    ‘Spose you could have:

    Disco music with a ‘Cheese’ Sandwich
    Bad Acting sounds with a ‘Ham’ Sandwich
    ‘I’ve got a brand new combine ‘arvester’ with the Ploughmans

    Fuck me! I should be on the marketing team…

    One very bad thought tho… In order for these techniky-musik-speaky-thingys to be cost effective enough (ie 2p to 5p per unit), you’d have to get them made in the hundreds of thousands. Probably half a million or more…

    This will get old very very quickly.

    .. oh yea….. **

    … warren told me to do it


  11. Yeah, it’s stupid, but really nothing new because that musical packaging crap has been around for a while. Hopefully, we’ll put ourselves out of our misery before we actually create a sandwich that sings.

  12. Carl Alan Dillman Carl Alan Dillman

    I had a dream when I was eight about an Oreo cookie that would play “Wipeout” if you twisted it apart. I snapped it in half and threw it on the pile. It screamed.

  13. The_Pete The_Pete

    I’m holding out for the sandwich that can hold 15,000 tunes and allows me to connect to an online store to buy additional condiments.

    But it probably won’t be available in the UK for several years.

  14. Most disturbing part of this story: The fact that the phrase “Musical Sandwich”, or a derivative thereof, was used at least four times.

    Oh, and who in the hell eats a “turkey and cranberry sauce with pork and cranberry stuffing” sandwich? Is it just me, or is that not the most vile combination of foods ever? Do I live in an anti-christmas cheer hole or something… ?

  15. To the above, it could probably be even worse considering how far people go in the name of Christmas. Bread soaked in Egg-nog complete with mini liquor packets as condiments to “season” things up a bit. Sure it sounds insane, but I’ve come to believe that it would still find a demographic worth having it. At this point, nothing surprises me when it comes to x-mas celebration or the insane notions tacked on.

  16. No sneaking off to the fridge at night for a midnight feast without anyone hearing then. Seriously though, what a waste of resources, all those power cells going in the garbage.

  17. Ryan Grant Ryan Grant

    Who’s wishing that we had

    “Don’t you wish your girlfriend tasted as good as me”

    playing whilst we ate that sandwidge?

  18. HLoF HLoF

    Crucifiction? Line on the left, one cross each.
    Thank you Tesco, but it’s time to take a long hard look at what you’re doing.

  19. Person Person

    Music? The hell? If anything, this needs to be used for silly little quotes and such! Which… could just as easily be printed on the inside of the box.

    Someone should hax0r a bunch of these so that you hear the climax of a German porn video as you open it.

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