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Month: August 2010

Twitter: A Drainage Gully For Mental Slurry

For a while, I had a capture of my twitter feed running here. It ended up doing something weird to my API calls, stopping me from running my desktop client, so I killed it. Which is probably just as well, asI talk a lot of shit on Twitter. It’s basically mental slurry, the wet lumpy bits from a day spent at the keyboard vented off into a trap so the buildup doesn’t blow some crucial valve in my head. Look at these, from the last few months:

* A shot of breakfast whisky, fresh pack of smokes and three cans of Red Bull and off we bloody well go

* And that is how we get out 1000 words at the start of the day. (And also lop 3 months off my life expectancy, but hey)

* The Emmys would be more interesting if Jay Leno arrived on a motorbike made from Johnny Carson’s bones.

* It is so stupidly fucking cold here that I actually had to put on clothes to go to the pub today

* Sometimes I think 50 FIRST DATES was the first great horror film of the 2000’s.

* @xenijardin Minutes ago, I lived in a world without the word "self-hitlerization" in it. Thank you for fixing that.

* I didn’t get online until 1994, at a speed of 1200bps. Which is the speed of getting a badger to fetch mail for you.

* I just opened the front door while naked and apparently I’ve still got it because the UPS man clearly licked his lips. Morning.

* Rules for my new readers: you have to commit a crime & tell the arresting officer I made you do it. Helps me sell books.

* Whenever I’m being threatened by the US Government, the first thing I do to relax is commit serious crimes in Sweden


* i don’t care if it’s real or not I WANT A SKINWICH NOW and a side of fried human fingers

* I am considering an entirely human version of the SKINWICH. Who do I know who would have delicious skin?

* wow look at all those people unfollowing me YOUR SKIN WOULD HAVE TASTED LIKE SHIT ANYWAY mutter swear drink

* Yes, I did remember to put on clothes today. It’s a bit showy, for a penis sheath, but…

* Ah, rotting lightless carcass city under gunmetal sky; London in the summertime, what joy

* The man sitting in front of me on the train smells so strongly of mackerel that he may be wearing some under his clothes

* Please remember me fondly after I’m found gutted on this train, victim of mystery serial killer The Mackerel Man

* good morning, my lovely little gonorrhea discharges

* Jodie Foster’s got to be wondering if she can CGI Mel Gibson out of THE BEAVER and replace him with Bin Laden or someone

* I can smell perfume. Either I’m being stalked or one of the two binmen sitting out here has a secret. Or both of them.

* I’m going to California to marry everybody! (no wait I think that’s still illegal)

* Huh. @gamoid just tweeted that "Human/Warren Ellis marriage is still illegal in 49 states." Shitballs.

* iTunes: I ignore your username and password. Me: but I want to pay you money! iTunes: your money is inferior. I spit on it.

* Me: iTunes, what’s going on? iTunes: I’m fucking your mother’s bones. Towel me off and I might let you update your apps.

* Always remember: that which does not kill you makes you stronger. Until it does eventually kill you. Good night.

* useful social note: combo-punching real people in the face still doesn’t make them turn into a shower of gold coins

* aaag is this the "morning" of which you speak

* Hey, San Diego, see that grey blanket of rain and misery in the sky? That is the herald of my arrival.

* I am here at San Diego, hovering above you all and urinating freely. You thought that was rain earlier, right?

* An excellent vodka martini is improving my morning no end. What? Everyone loves a drunk on a plane.

* I would pay someone to leave voodoo dolls and half-eaten bagels outside Mel Gibson’s house, just to see his head explode

* I tried to limit myself to one #movieswithbatman joke but then I thought of a hundred more and then my brain exploded

* The thing is, I now really want to see "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Batman." Also "The Batman Who Fell To Earth."

* But "The Sweet Smell Of Batman" and "The Cook, The Batman, His Wife And Her Lover" may not be improvements on the originals

* God, I hope I never have to hear a bloody vuvuzela again. I didn’t believe in Satan until I heard that thing.

* There’s atemporality for you: it’s 2010 and yet there are still sitcoms about vicars on the BBC.

* I believe Mel Gibson should be the next Batman, and he should end his every line with "…but you will blow me first."

* The part of Warren Ellis will be played today by Squadron Leader Sir Harvest Chopnecke-Deth, Retd., deceased