Dan Curtis Johnson On His Plan To Escape Sudden Murder Attempts

February 28th, 2006 | people I know

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“This is my plan: If, someday, some giant murderous dude has picked me up completely off the ground by my throat and is strangling the life out of me, instead of fighting him I’m just going to get my pants off and start masturbating furiously. Because, if I’m gonna die anyway, that whole Michael Hutchence suffocation-orgasm thing is supposed to be pretty amazing and maybe– just MAYBE– the giant murderous dude will be freaked out enough to let go of me and I can get the hell away.

“With no pants on, sure, but you take what you can get.”

Face Arrest

February 28th, 2006 | photography

Been meaning to post/store this for ages. It’s from Shannon Larratt’s excellent modblog.bmezine.com, and if you don’t read it every day, then you know nothing.

Penis Cooking: For Completeness’ Sake, The Update

February 28th, 2006 | researchmaterial

It was already in comments, I know:

A woman trying to cheat on a drug test was behind a bizarre incident in which a frightened convenience store clerk thought she had microwaved a severed penis, police said.

The clerk at the store outside Pittsburgh actually microwaved a prosthetic device used to cheat on drug tests, police said Friday.

The incident unfolded late Thursday afternoon when a man and a woman entered the store and the man asked the clerk, “Can you microwave something for me? It’s a life-or-death situation,” police said.

The man asked for paper towels, wrapped an object in them, and had the clerk microwave the item for 20 seconds, said McKeesport police Chief Joseph Pero.

When it was finished, the clerk handed the item back to the man and saw what she thought was a severed penis, Pero said.

After news reports Friday, a woman called police to say she was with the man in the store and explained what really happened, Pero said.

The woman told police she was applying for a job and was required to take a drug test. She said the man had filled the device with his urine, which she planned to submit for the test, Pero said.

The couple stopped to warm the device in the microwave so the urine would “pass the body temperature test,” Pero said—that is, be warm enough to not arouse the suspicion of those administering the test.

Pero said police weren’t sure why the woman was storing the urine in a device mimicking male genitalia.

The woman wasn’t applying for a job at the convenience store, but Pero said he didn’t know anything else about the job.

Pero wouldn’t release the names of the man or woman. Charges, including harassment and disorderly conduct, were possible, he said.

The clerk at the Giant Eagle Get Go! is “still visibly shaking,” Pero said Friday.

A clerk at the store Friday referred all questions to Giant Eagle corporate headquarters. An official there declined comment.