Headline Of The Day

March 1st, 2005 | researchmaterial

“Peed-in panties don’t always turn to gold”:

“For the panties alone, you’d get 5,000 yen, but 8,000 yen if you took them off in front of the buyer. If you peed in them first and then removed them in front of the buyer, you’d get about 10,000 yen. That’s a pretty special price…”

Ryann Connell is some kind of mad god.

Dead Men’s Pearls

February 28th, 2005 | brainjuice

Time was that a world-changing news datum would come every ten years or so, if that. The world was slow. Around the time of the Industrial Revolution, that ramped up to a dizzying rate of one a year. Towards the end of the Twentieth Century, the rate was up to one a week, quickly reaching one a day in the early 21st.

Today, the rate is one every fifteen minutes. And here’s what’s at the top of the hour: turns out girls from San Francisco can make dead men come after all.

Either that or there’s a necronautical anomaly restricted to the Bay Area, but I like my version better.

As news-rich as we are now, there’s still no way to determine exactly how this began. I mean, how do you discover that you can give dead men erections? And, frankly, what kind of freak swallows, in that situation?

Nonetheless, word got around that, in NoCal at least, you can get dead men off. And there was a reason that the news spread. It turned out that corpse-loads, black and red and with the consistency of passion-fruit pulp, conferred some kind of near-psychedelic experience. The legs of perception spread wide and led you into the world of the dead. Which appeared to be a men’s toilet in an industrial club sometime after 1am on a Saturday.

It wasn’t long before communion-girls (and a smattering of men) began spitting instead of swallowing. Dribbling blackened cadaver-jizz into little plastic vials. And selling it. Dead Men’s Pearls, it’s called. Fifty bucks a pop, which is putting an awful lot of girls through media studies courses at UC Berkeley. And introducing a lot of guys to the taste of semen. Which is doing wonders for the social fabric of the Bay Area, in a “Honey, do I really taste like that?” “Honey, this is why I keep mints by the bed” kind of way.

We have made contact with the world of the dead. And it’s an endless corridor of toilet cubicles full of people throwing up with Einsturzende Neubauten playing tinnily in the background. Which, perhaps, is as it should be.

And since it’s taken fifteen minutes for me to explain all this to you, we’re now due the next world-changing new discovery.

Can’t wait.

(Written May 2004, very quickly, to try and get it the fuck out of my head.)

Defamer LiveBlogs The Oscars

February 28th, 2005 | researchmaterial

And regardless of when you’re reading this, it features some of Defamer’s crazier moments:

6:24: Cate Blanchett wins for Best Supporting Actress for her Kate Hepburn impression. Thanks her agent right after her husband—she knows where her bread is buttered, and will be getting a fresh basket of delicious Chinese babies from CAA in the morning.

Morgan Freeman wins for Million Dollar Baby. If you haven’t seen the movie yet, here’s a spoiler: Freeman plays a one-eyed former boxer who is impregnated by Clint Eastwood’s grizzled trainer and gives birth to a bag of money, played by Hilary Swank.

Superburst Mixtape 06

February 28th, 2005 | music

Songs made freely available for download on the internet by the artists, put into a single file and
released as a podcast mixtape for several hundred of my closest friends.

Podcast address: http://warrenellis.libsyn.com/rss

Direct download: here

Superburst Mixtape 06
electronics and quiet for a slow sunday night

“Stalker” – Castor & Pollux

“The Last Citadel” – The Ex-Girlfriends

“Abyss” – “Binary Riot Squad

(download count: Mixtape02/1228 downloads – 03/782 – 04/884 – 05/1884)