SPARKLINE: The Scent Of Falconer

November 19th, 2010 | sparklines

“Crime,” crooned the great detective Falconer. “Its musky discharge is the finest perfume to me. It is all I can do to stop myself from milking the juice of crime from suspects, like rare fragrance from a civet’s glands. Of course, civets carry a variant of SARS, so you can’t really chew on them the way you want to. I miss the days when you could have a good chew on a cat. Also people. Did you know that’s illegal now? There is crime everywhere. Terribly good for the prostate.”

Falconer, amazingly, has never been convicted of any crime.


SPARKLINES: ideas under 100 words. © Warren Ellis 2010


SPARKLINE: Witch Bottle

November 18th, 2010 | sparklines

Contents of bottle: lock of hair, brown, dyed blonde; cinema tickets (2); press-on fingernail, red, cracked, skin residue at tip; condom, used, cleaned, “decorative symbols” drawn on in gold ink; receipt for purchase of flowers, “THIS IS A WARDING SPELL” written on back; scrap of telephone bill envelope with “i really like u kevin” written on (different handwriting to previous); “Zink” photo prints of three recent crime victims, female.

Bottle found: in garden outside flat, label attached reads “STAY AWAY FROM ME I LOVE YOU”


SPARKLINES: ideas under 100 words. © Warren Ellis 2010


SPARKLINE: Falconer Immortal

November 3rd, 2010 | sparklines

Falconer, the infamous detective, lit the Cigarette of Victory with relish. “Indeed,” he intoned, “I was shot three times in what we professionals term ‘the crotchal region’ by the suspect. Nonetheless I was able to disarm, overpower and briefly tamper with him before your timely arrival.”

“But how,” said the policewoman, “did you survive being shot in…?”

“This old thing?” Falconer said, pointing to his groin. “I had it replaced with something altogether more resilient and commodious years ago. You’re a pretty one, aren’t you? Very pretty.”

The sound of tiny motors and telescoping steel purred from Falconer’s lap.


SPARKLINES: ideas under 100 words. © Warren Ellis 2010


SPARKLINE: Falconer’s Nativity

November 2nd, 2010 | sparklines

Falconer, the great detective, flicked the dead man’s nipples with contempt. “The solution is obvious,” he barked to the attending policeman. Indeed it was. The nipples were hinged, and revealed tubes extending into the obese corpse’s chest. “Look at the scars on that magnificent gut,” Falconer said. “If the edges were not sealed, would that not look for all the world to you like… a hatch? Your kidnapped child, officer, is inside that man, sustained by a breathing tube and a food pipe. And probably has his legs jammed in the man’s pelvis. Those are not child-bearing hips.”


SPARKLINES: ideas under 100 words. © Warren Ellis 2010


SPARKLINE: Tetanus Farm

June 9th, 2010 | sparklines

He liked to pretend he could feel the tiny computers moving inside of him. There was a peculiar sense of loss every time someone came with the needle to harvest the computational pus from his infected parts. Tetanus was a nice strong bacterium, but it was very hard to breed robustly enough under lab conditions. Once they learned how to make DNA do computing, lots of companies needed lots of DNA computers. He was only renting his body as a tetanus-computer vat for the summer. The money would buy medical insurance. He’d laugh, if it wasn’t for the lockjaw.


SPARKLINES: ideas under 100 words. © Warren Ellis 2010